Just a thought about the relationship between a mother and her son

My son is reading a book on pick-up artists and yet he assures me he doesn't want to become a pick-up artist. Hmm. Does he really believe that I believe him on this one? I laugh and ask just what is his purpose for this latest read. He answers that a girl gave him the book thinking he might be interested. So now I'm wondering why this girl thinks my son will be interested in a book about becoming a pick-up artist. Is he not good at picking up girls and she thinks this will help him? Or is he always picking up girls and so she thought he'd like the book?

I don't believe that as a mother I need to know everything about my kids as they get older. The son in question will be twenty years old in less than a week. He still sits down with me every so often and uses me as a bit of a mix between a confessional and a therapist. I have learned to listen to him and not pass judgement - most of the time anyway. I know he only tells me what he wants me to know and that is fine with me. I was almost twenty once myself. Even today, with a fabulous relationship between my mother and myself, I still don't tell my mother everything about myself or my life. In fact part of the reason I live so far from my beloved parents is that I needed space from my mother so I could find my own way. She often tells me how much she and I are alike - and I do see what she means - but there are choices I have made that have been different from hers and so I do not think she would approve of many of the roads I've taken. Although I do believe she would attempt to not judge just as I do with my children.

The relationship between a mother and her children can be such a precious thing. It moves from total dependency to self-sufficiency in a series of childhood experiences influenced both by age and experience. My hope is that as my children leave this nest of mine, they have strong wings and independent thought but not so much that they need to run from me to prove they can use those things. I hope to provide them a refuge from the world in times of troubles and a place where they can tell their thoughts and troubles without fear of judgement or rejection. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? I sure hope not. An important part of this would be to get my husband on board with this goal. As it is, I'm pretty sure his objective is to get the kids out of the house and taking care of themselves financially. Interesting that even in this area of child rearing, the differences between man and woman is evident. Men holding the most important that which is related to finances and women holding the emotional side of a person as the core focus.

So my son sits reading a book he is to tell me is very boring and not at all what he thought it would be. And we discuss what he thought and I somehow don't understand what it is he means. This miscommunication is happening more and more often these days. I understand this is most likely the part where he needs to establish a break between himself and me. My oldest daughter has been doing this for years but my son has taken longer to get to this point of seperating himself from his mother. They write about this in parenting books and it scares every mother of boys that reads the books in the first place. The writers say that these sons that cuddle and confess their undying love on their mothers' laps when they are four will one day look at that same mother with disgust. They will apparently need to break free from their mother's hold in order to go forth and be full productive members of society. I think what they mean is that a man can only handle having one woman with expectations of him to live up to. So if they keep their mother close then having a real lasting relationship with a woman will be impeded.

Is it possible to give your son enough freedom from your continual expectations and judgement that he can still be your friend and have a fulfilling mutual and loving relationship with another woman? It has got to be possible. I've seen men with fabulous relationships with their mothers and still have what appear to be good marriages. Of course I'm not privy to their private lives so I may be wrong. Perhaps I will find a study on this topic and get back to you on it.

There are many relationships in life. I have three sons. My relationship with each one of them is unique and precious to me. I hope to continue those relationships all the days of our lives. I hope the same for you.