It's Not About The Kids

I am immensely proud of my children. They are fabulous people. I love to hear and see them laugh and get along with each other, their friends, or their dad and me. I enjoy watching them grow and learn. They exasperate me over and over again but I know that much of that is my own impatience and ignorance. I work on that.

Now though, I'm realizing that the stage and place in my life for total absorption in the lives of the children is passing. "There is a time for all seasons and a season for all things." (misquote from a proverb or psalm). I'm not exactly sure what season I'm in right now but I know it is different than before.

Oh, the seasons that I've had. I've had the time of dolls, cars, Easter bunny and Santa clause - childhood wonders and continual discovery. I've idolized my mother and thought my father was as handsome as Elvis Presley (the young one of course). I had the zits and the moodiness, the uncertainty and aloneness of those teenage years. 'I kissed the boys and made them run', exploring a more feminine side of myself. I studied, learned that I knew so much and not much at all. I entered a lifelong love commitment, started a family and lived in babyland for too many years to go into. Now the horizon is a shade of orange - it's a different shade than I've seen before although I've heard talk of it. And it's exciting.

I've done a couple new things lately. I've started running as I mentioned in one of my latest entries. I've taken a stained glass class and discovered that I was correct in thinking I would absolutely love it. One more class to learn to do the welding and then an acid etching bonus class and I'll be on my way to creating my own masterpieces - something I'm looking extremely forward to. I'm writing more and attempting to reignite my latent drawing talents. I guess I feel like I'm on a new road.

Are you on a new road? Which season is it in your life right now? Are you able to live in this moment and enjoy it? You know, I look around my house and see the litter of past seasons. There are still a few baby toys about. There are tons of paper things I have to decide how to organize (how many pictures your three, four, seven, ten year old drew is necessary to keep for those later years when you ... what exactly do people ever do with those drawings?) I have half done crafts from when I was doing crafts; tons of cut outs for quilts when I started my quilting; office supplies from a long dead business; pictures of the past forty-some years of my life. All of these things cluttering up my house and my head. I don't want to ever part with the lessons I've learned or the laughter I hear from the memories those things bring to mind but I also only seem to have room for so much. Are you cluttered with stuff in your living space or only in your head?

Fulfillment - personal fulfillment - seems to be pressing out from within me. I want personal fulfillment. I want a sense of a job well done. I want a sense of time passing in a pleasant whirlwind of achievement and personal satisfaction. I want continued love and laughter surrounding me and I want love and laughter to spring forth from within me - spilling everywhere.

Is that too much to ask?

It doesn't feel like it is right now. I don't care too much if I look sexy - although I love feeling sexy. I don't care too much if what I do meets with 'their' approval - although I want to accomplish things. I feel like right now I`m looking for recognition from myself.

Oprah may be criticized my some and revered my many but recently I read such an interesting article in her magazine about those women who are wanting to unite their own personal calling with their money making abilities. The author of the article said to ask ourselves what we have ever done that we have been utterly happily absorbed in. To make a list of those things and start with that. She goes on to explain how to find that pathway to a career choice from there - for that you can look up Oprah`s November 2010 magazine. I`m still working on that first point. It`s been rather enlightening. I am surprised to find that there are few things that I get totally absorbed in and many things that I get bored with. This is good. Well, it helps narrow things down a bit anyway. I love introspection for one. Which is why I may never get past that first question.

What is it you do that totally absorbs you and leaves you happy? Do you have things you do that fit into that category? Okay, let`s get rid of the sex activity for those of you to whom that`s the first thing circling in your mind. I don`t think the author is suggesting you make money in that area but go on enjoying it for sure.

Think about it. Are you at a place in your life where you want to be fulfilled now? Is the thrill of the job you`ve been in totally gone replaced by boredom that has you watching the minute hand of your clock? If not -great - just keep on keeping on. But if so, well, maybe you are where I am. And there is another season after this one, if we`re so blessed.

Enjoy today. Live in this moment while planning on having another. If you`re still in that place where the kids rule, then live there. Know, however, that there are other seasons to come. It can be a pretty exciting life if we let it be.