Yesterday I saw my teenaged daughter perform with her school choir. I sat in a chair crammed into a gym with many other thus obliged parents, aunts, uncles, and some siblings. I was lucky enough to sit in the second row and I had a perfect view of the choir. I was sitting next to another mom who is also a friend of mine and whose daughter was singing aswell. She and I caught up on things as we haven't had time to chat for a while but as the Choir Director spoke, we dutifully stopped our chat and payed attention.
I love music. The fact that my kids love music too absolutely thrills me. When they actually invest time into learning to sing or play an instrument I feel amazingly proud. It was not a sacrifice for me to be sitting there listening and watching as my daughter added her voice to those around her. I was looking forward to it.
I was so enraptured with the singing and how beautiful my daughter looked standing there that I felt a tear roll down my face. My mom friend was tapping her feet to the beat and swaying back and forth but I stayed poker straight and just focused on those kids- mine in particular.
I'm sure I looked like a lovesick puppy. I tell you, I never would have understood the invisible cords that bind a mother to her children. It has nothing to do with the will. It is totally uncontrollable. They are attached to my soul as surely as they had been attached to the umbillecal cord when they were inside me and I know it will be that way for my entire life, regardless of what happens.
And so they sang. The song that spoke the most to me was 'True Colors'. It's that song made popular by Cyndi Lauper back when some of us were younger. The words are admirable. They speak of loving someone regardless of their faults. I don't know if that was the song that my daughter was speaking about after the concert, but it could have been.
As we were walking out to the car and she was critiquing her performance she added, "Mom, I wanted to sing to you but whenever I looked at you it made me laugh so I looked somewhere else." It was just a passing phrase. She kept talking about other things - mostly how she thought they really stunk on this song or that - but I tell you, I didn't hear much more of what she said cus my teenage baby had wanted to sing to me.
I've been an embarassment to her for a few years - since she hit puberty - as is customary. I try not to draw too much attention to myself when we are in public because I remember how embarassed I was by my own mother. (She always wanted to hold my hand and pat my rear end- lol) I try not to be cool because I know that almost always backfires. I just try to be me and to be her mother.
One thing that girl has always given me, and she doesn't even know it, is hope. Her enthusiasm for everything - she is even enthusiastic about being bored - makes me sometimes feel very inferior. But I highly value her personality. I think I've learned to put on the thick skin when she is unhappy because invariably, as with my teenage son, it is obviously my fault that she feels that way. And I'm hoping the lessons that I've learned with those two hold me through the remaining teenage years. But one thing, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to, is those moments like the that one when she told me that she wanted to sing to me.
It's illogical. But I felt as I imagined I would feel if the company at work gave me a big fat promotion. Or made me employee or manager of the year. I don't get many accolades for being a mom. Why should I. It isn't really my choice any more. It's who I am. I gave up any expectation for that a long time ago. But really, I've been getting them all along. It's the little things that speak volumes. It brings me to tears to think about it and I'm sure my daughter would roll her eyes should she read this. But I wanted you all to know, last night I got the "Mom, I wanted to sing to you" award. I sincerely hope you notice all the little signs of recognition your children or loved ones are giving you. Never doubt that you count. Never doubt you have influence. Never doubt you are loved. For you do and you are. :)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Emotional Tampon
Okay, so I've only recently heard the term emotional tampon. I'm not sure if it's been out there for a while but most likely it has and I've just not heard it or retained it. But what a curious term.
The way in which I heard it was as one person explaining themselves to another person, as in "I've been such an emotional tampon for her." I stored away the reference but found, as I was surfacing from a dream that I was back in high school, this term shouted itself to me and so, I have to write.
An emotional tampon, now what would that be? Well, the emotional part isn't too difficult to define. We all have emotions. The tampon bit, well, again, for half the genders we experience this all too frequently. It's purpose being to soak blood up and away from the body. It is of a temporary nature as it is pulled out and then discarded after use. So, I suppose an emotional tampon would refer to someone who feels they are being soaked with emotions, pulled out and discarded; it would mean that person feels disposable or that their only purpose is to allow the absorption of emotions into themselves and away from the one who is using them.
Ya, I can see that term as being applicable in some situations. A councellor would be an emotional tampon of sorts. However I also think that the term 'emotional tampon' is meant to be a negative. It doesn't sound like it is a compliment although life without tampons isn't as clean, I can tell you that, and I know I certainly appreciate them. I wouldn't imagine you'd hear people refer to themselves as an emotional tampon when they are feeling fufilled in this role though. There are much better terms for that. For me the term that would be used then is friend.
I cannot count the people in my history who have served a role of listener of emotional baggage for me or for whom I have served this role myself. Being that I just returned from a dream of my puberty, I remember when I was a teenager going for walks with different people as dusk turned to night. We lived in a small town that crossed a river. The lights in the old houses warmed the streets as we walked through them. There were rarely other people out walking. The whole atmosphere invited confidentiality. Depending on who was with me, I would be pouring out my heart about how I couldn't wait to get out of this town or listening to others about their hearts and their crushes and planning on how we could make things all work out. To some people I was the listener. To other people I was the one doing the talking. I don't remember feeling like an emotional tampon. I remember feeling respected. Wow,for someone to be able to confide in me the things they confided in me,they must really trust me. The topics may seem trivial now, but at the time, they were things that moved those people, things they felt they couldn't tell anyone else. Those times still linger in the back of my memory and I smile when I think of them. Oh how we knew that where we were going was better than where we were. LOL.
Ironically, one of my best emotional tampons moved across the country just like I did and is raising her family out here close to me. When we'd walk around town - she was my most faithful tampon - we'd plan how we were going to break free and go west. Those days we felt emotionally as well as physically trapped by the closeness that was small town living.
Of course the term emotional tampon also implies one sidedness. There is no way a tampon is able to excrete those emotions to the giver. I am sad to admit that I have indeed used others in that way from time to time. The friend I mentioned above is a case in point. However over the years there has been more balance. I wish somehow I'd been able to balance it even more but, well, she is an emotional tampon by trade now, so it kinda comes too easy for her to keep that role with me. I think we've done pretty good and I really try to be a listening ear.
I wouldn't want any of my friends to feel they are this kind of friend to me. Sometimes I can feel the balance of a friendship shift too much one way or the other. When it is obvious to me that we are at the brink of me using that other person without giving back, I do what ever I can to re-establish balance. I have found though, that there are times in life when that is just the way it is. Sometimes our need to be heard, to talk, to figure things out 'out loud' are so prominent that they almost speak of self-centredness. It's a danger yet it's also a condition that usually balances itself out given time.
Sometimes those friends don't wait around for this balance to even out. I've had that happen too. Too emotionally drained, they run away before you can give anything back. I bet it's those people that would consider themselves used as an emotional tampon. It would be good to have a chance to apologize to those people and tell them you understand. I tried that once too. I apologized to a friend that I had vented to one too many times and then she avoided me to the point of us totally losing touch. When I happened to encounter her on an outing, I approached her and apologized. Her response was, 'What? I don't know what you're talking about. You were always a great friend." Well, either the memory dims, she was being polite, or those are just things you don't apologize for - lol! Most likely the latter. Honesty with people can be a bit tricky.
Anyway, just a ramble about a term I found intriguing. If I've ever treated any of you like an emotional tampon then I apologize because it wasn't intentional. I obviously just needed a friend. If someone else has treated you thusly, then I'm pretty sure it is the same for them. If you can, wait it out until balance is re-established. If that time period is too long, then yes, move on down the road. Friends that don't give are most definately too draining to keep and it is most likely damaging to the psychy to see yourself as an emotional tampon.
The way in which I heard it was as one person explaining themselves to another person, as in "I've been such an emotional tampon for her." I stored away the reference but found, as I was surfacing from a dream that I was back in high school, this term shouted itself to me and so, I have to write.
An emotional tampon, now what would that be? Well, the emotional part isn't too difficult to define. We all have emotions. The tampon bit, well, again, for half the genders we experience this all too frequently. It's purpose being to soak blood up and away from the body. It is of a temporary nature as it is pulled out and then discarded after use. So, I suppose an emotional tampon would refer to someone who feels they are being soaked with emotions, pulled out and discarded; it would mean that person feels disposable or that their only purpose is to allow the absorption of emotions into themselves and away from the one who is using them.
Ya, I can see that term as being applicable in some situations. A councellor would be an emotional tampon of sorts. However I also think that the term 'emotional tampon' is meant to be a negative. It doesn't sound like it is a compliment although life without tampons isn't as clean, I can tell you that, and I know I certainly appreciate them. I wouldn't imagine you'd hear people refer to themselves as an emotional tampon when they are feeling fufilled in this role though. There are much better terms for that. For me the term that would be used then is friend.
I cannot count the people in my history who have served a role of listener of emotional baggage for me or for whom I have served this role myself. Being that I just returned from a dream of my puberty, I remember when I was a teenager going for walks with different people as dusk turned to night. We lived in a small town that crossed a river. The lights in the old houses warmed the streets as we walked through them. There were rarely other people out walking. The whole atmosphere invited confidentiality. Depending on who was with me, I would be pouring out my heart about how I couldn't wait to get out of this town or listening to others about their hearts and their crushes and planning on how we could make things all work out. To some people I was the listener. To other people I was the one doing the talking. I don't remember feeling like an emotional tampon. I remember feeling respected. Wow,for someone to be able to confide in me the things they confided in me,they must really trust me. The topics may seem trivial now, but at the time, they were things that moved those people, things they felt they couldn't tell anyone else. Those times still linger in the back of my memory and I smile when I think of them. Oh how we knew that where we were going was better than where we were. LOL.
Ironically, one of my best emotional tampons moved across the country just like I did and is raising her family out here close to me. When we'd walk around town - she was my most faithful tampon - we'd plan how we were going to break free and go west. Those days we felt emotionally as well as physically trapped by the closeness that was small town living.
Of course the term emotional tampon also implies one sidedness. There is no way a tampon is able to excrete those emotions to the giver. I am sad to admit that I have indeed used others in that way from time to time. The friend I mentioned above is a case in point. However over the years there has been more balance. I wish somehow I'd been able to balance it even more but, well, she is an emotional tampon by trade now, so it kinda comes too easy for her to keep that role with me. I think we've done pretty good and I really try to be a listening ear.
I wouldn't want any of my friends to feel they are this kind of friend to me. Sometimes I can feel the balance of a friendship shift too much one way or the other. When it is obvious to me that we are at the brink of me using that other person without giving back, I do what ever I can to re-establish balance. I have found though, that there are times in life when that is just the way it is. Sometimes our need to be heard, to talk, to figure things out 'out loud' are so prominent that they almost speak of self-centredness. It's a danger yet it's also a condition that usually balances itself out given time.
Sometimes those friends don't wait around for this balance to even out. I've had that happen too. Too emotionally drained, they run away before you can give anything back. I bet it's those people that would consider themselves used as an emotional tampon. It would be good to have a chance to apologize to those people and tell them you understand. I tried that once too. I apologized to a friend that I had vented to one too many times and then she avoided me to the point of us totally losing touch. When I happened to encounter her on an outing, I approached her and apologized. Her response was, 'What? I don't know what you're talking about. You were always a great friend." Well, either the memory dims, she was being polite, or those are just things you don't apologize for - lol! Most likely the latter. Honesty with people can be a bit tricky.
Anyway, just a ramble about a term I found intriguing. If I've ever treated any of you like an emotional tampon then I apologize because it wasn't intentional. I obviously just needed a friend. If someone else has treated you thusly, then I'm pretty sure it is the same for them. If you can, wait it out until balance is re-established. If that time period is too long, then yes, move on down the road. Friends that don't give are most definately too draining to keep and it is most likely damaging to the psychy to see yourself as an emotional tampon.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Lifeshifts
Everyone has something they put their heart and soul effort into. For some it is into the raising of children. For others it is the careful arrangement of the flowers in their garden. Even others it is in the muscles and leanness of their bodies. We do all have something we put our heart into. And when we stop putting that heart and soul into what we do, well, we flounder like a fish on the bottom of a fishing boat just before the fisherman strikes it on its head.
Unfortunately floundering around does us just about the same amount of good that it does that fish - just uses up our energy flipping us around in the same few feet of space. Fortunately for us, we aren't fish and aren't about to be fried for supper. We have choice.
When I have found myself in that situation, it seems to take me quite a while to realize I don't need to be kicking and screaming and wandering around. What I need to do is sit up, take stock, make some new plans and get on with things. Ironically I have found myself in this situation more times than I'd like to admit. And I've got myself into all sorts of unusual (for me) situations while flipping and flapping around. Some of them have been rather entertaining, but mostly it's been just a big waste of time creating further frustrations that spill over into even more fishlike behaviour.
Well this last time it has taken me being laid up in bed for four days with some not-too-nice version of the stomach flu to realize that I have been spinning in mental circles for much too long. I've been worrying about things with too much depth and taking those things that ARE in my control and doing nothing with them.
I won't be hard on myself though. I do know that this is the way life is and it just seems to take me longer than the average bear to realize when life has shifted. And, life has shifted.
I think about those women who experience the empty nest syndrome. I wonder if this is a similar feeling for them. The world is going one way and suddenly it has all changed. Our purpose is not as clearly defined and taking care of the house without the children in it is just not that fufilling anymore, if it ever was. I know my own mother went back to work more seriously when all but one of us were out of the house and my sister was a teenager locked in her own life. I remember it was a tumulous time for her during which she put on a bit more weight than she would have liked. She gave up things she had enjoyed doing in the past - no more crafts, no more writing, no more baking cool things. She started buying jewelry and fancier clothes - mind you, she was working at a jewelry store and did get great deals. But even so, this was a woman who had spent most of her life making her own clothing and wearing the same three pair of earings. Myself around my early to mid twenties thought she was a pretty cool mom. I didn't realize the tumulous struggle she was going through.
I wonder if you are in a life changing point in your life? Has something happened to shake things up abit? If they have, you are not alone. There are varying degrees of these lifeshifts, but they are there for all of us. Most of the time they sneak up on us like a fisherman's hook. Sometimes we see them coming and swim right on into the net like we don't know what we're doing. I hope it takes you less time than it takes me to notice what is going on and take control and change those things you can if you desire and let the other things which are out of your control slip on by. Find new things to put your heart and soul into and continue to live with a smile on.
Unfortunately floundering around does us just about the same amount of good that it does that fish - just uses up our energy flipping us around in the same few feet of space. Fortunately for us, we aren't fish and aren't about to be fried for supper. We have choice.
When I have found myself in that situation, it seems to take me quite a while to realize I don't need to be kicking and screaming and wandering around. What I need to do is sit up, take stock, make some new plans and get on with things. Ironically I have found myself in this situation more times than I'd like to admit. And I've got myself into all sorts of unusual (for me) situations while flipping and flapping around. Some of them have been rather entertaining, but mostly it's been just a big waste of time creating further frustrations that spill over into even more fishlike behaviour.
Well this last time it has taken me being laid up in bed for four days with some not-too-nice version of the stomach flu to realize that I have been spinning in mental circles for much too long. I've been worrying about things with too much depth and taking those things that ARE in my control and doing nothing with them.
I won't be hard on myself though. I do know that this is the way life is and it just seems to take me longer than the average bear to realize when life has shifted. And, life has shifted.
I think about those women who experience the empty nest syndrome. I wonder if this is a similar feeling for them. The world is going one way and suddenly it has all changed. Our purpose is not as clearly defined and taking care of the house without the children in it is just not that fufilling anymore, if it ever was. I know my own mother went back to work more seriously when all but one of us were out of the house and my sister was a teenager locked in her own life. I remember it was a tumulous time for her during which she put on a bit more weight than she would have liked. She gave up things she had enjoyed doing in the past - no more crafts, no more writing, no more baking cool things. She started buying jewelry and fancier clothes - mind you, she was working at a jewelry store and did get great deals. But even so, this was a woman who had spent most of her life making her own clothing and wearing the same three pair of earings. Myself around my early to mid twenties thought she was a pretty cool mom. I didn't realize the tumulous struggle she was going through.
I wonder if you are in a life changing point in your life? Has something happened to shake things up abit? If they have, you are not alone. There are varying degrees of these lifeshifts, but they are there for all of us. Most of the time they sneak up on us like a fisherman's hook. Sometimes we see them coming and swim right on into the net like we don't know what we're doing. I hope it takes you less time than it takes me to notice what is going on and take control and change those things you can if you desire and let the other things which are out of your control slip on by. Find new things to put your heart and soul into and continue to live with a smile on.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Environmental Friendships
There are friends in your life that you count on - if you're lucky that is. You may have one, you may have more. But if you are anything like me, most of your friendships are most likely environmental or circumstatial. That doesn't lessen their importance. Don't fall for that lie. They are still an incredible force and a necessary part of a well rounded life. Okay, so that is my opinion but that is my opinion because that is my experience.
I've moved around a bit in my life. As a child it wasn't my choice but I adapted relatively well to it. As an adult it, at first, seemed a compulsion, later a necessity and so I have had many environmental friendships. Those friendships have helped me through different times and struggles. They've helped me gage where I'm at in my life. They've pushed me forward. Sometimes they've infuriated me and sometimes they've encouraged me. Without them, though, life would be quite a bit duller, I'm afraid.
Sometimes I don't think people give enough thought or credit to these neighbours who bustle in and out of our lives, yelling 'hello' from their doorsteps or catching the dog when she runs out into the street, or letting your own child use their older child's hockey net to play. They are just people that happen to come in and out of our lives - not by choice but by environment, coincidence perhaps.
Over the years I have had so many people that I've called friends who were only friends because their house backed on the same alley that ours did, or they had children the same age as mine, or they walked by my house the same time each day or worked at the post office outlet I went to. Many different people that I count important to my life without being the kind of friends that stand by you no matter what.
If you have a couple really good friends that will go to bat for you and be there for you when you are in your darkest hour or behaving your darkest - heck, even if you just have one - then you are blessed. But even those friends on the outside - the ones that invite you to their place for a cup of coffee or a quick lunch - they are part of you too. I've written on this before but it is once again on my mind. I care for these people and they most likley have no idea that I do. But, I do. :)
I've moved around a bit in my life. As a child it wasn't my choice but I adapted relatively well to it. As an adult it, at first, seemed a compulsion, later a necessity and so I have had many environmental friendships. Those friendships have helped me through different times and struggles. They've helped me gage where I'm at in my life. They've pushed me forward. Sometimes they've infuriated me and sometimes they've encouraged me. Without them, though, life would be quite a bit duller, I'm afraid.
Sometimes I don't think people give enough thought or credit to these neighbours who bustle in and out of our lives, yelling 'hello' from their doorsteps or catching the dog when she runs out into the street, or letting your own child use their older child's hockey net to play. They are just people that happen to come in and out of our lives - not by choice but by environment, coincidence perhaps.
Over the years I have had so many people that I've called friends who were only friends because their house backed on the same alley that ours did, or they had children the same age as mine, or they walked by my house the same time each day or worked at the post office outlet I went to. Many different people that I count important to my life without being the kind of friends that stand by you no matter what.
If you have a couple really good friends that will go to bat for you and be there for you when you are in your darkest hour or behaving your darkest - heck, even if you just have one - then you are blessed. But even those friends on the outside - the ones that invite you to their place for a cup of coffee or a quick lunch - they are part of you too. I've written on this before but it is once again on my mind. I care for these people and they most likley have no idea that I do. But, I do. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Making something my own.
Wow! I hadn't been on my blogspot for a while and so was trying to find it and, in so doing, came across a couple of other blogspots and webpages of similar name by women also attempting to create a place on the screen for themselves. I had no idea that I was not alone in this search for meaning - well, I knew that I wasn't alone but seeing the others, realized we had the same idea for the same title of our own little places here in webland.
The air is fresh today. It has turned warm as the day has gone on. My neighbour is busy changing her front flower garden to be her own. They moved in not too many months ago - it is a totally new house - and the garden was planted by the landscapers who were hired by the people that built the house. Simple bushes and green plants were used. Boring but neat and tidy. My neighbour has planted tulip bulbs I bet - hidden under the soil until the spring's warmth encourages the flowers out. Hopefully she covered them all in wire or the squirrels that are making quick work of the chestnuts falling off her front trees will dig them up and demolish them aswell.
Today I have been dreaming of my own land. I'm reading a ficticious novel that takes place back in the 1700s; the days of homesteading. We don't actually own the land here in Canada - we kinda lease it from the crown - but everyone calls and thinks of it as ownership anyway. Today I saw myself puttering around making my own piece of land mine. We are still renting and I am extremely appreciative to have such a wonderful place in which to live but there are times when I yearn for my own well affordable little, or not so little, place of my own. Somewhere that I can add to and make mine like my neighbour with her garden. Somewhere to pass on to the kids when that time comes on. Sigh. I haven't totally given up hope on that although the years are advancing and life seems to be about survival at the moment rather than prosperity. I don't think of it often but there still is this part of me that yearns of a place to make my own.
Send a thought or a prayer for me
into the air for me
that one day I may see fufilled
the dreams of my mind - NABK
The air is fresh today. It has turned warm as the day has gone on. My neighbour is busy changing her front flower garden to be her own. They moved in not too many months ago - it is a totally new house - and the garden was planted by the landscapers who were hired by the people that built the house. Simple bushes and green plants were used. Boring but neat and tidy. My neighbour has planted tulip bulbs I bet - hidden under the soil until the spring's warmth encourages the flowers out. Hopefully she covered them all in wire or the squirrels that are making quick work of the chestnuts falling off her front trees will dig them up and demolish them aswell.
Today I have been dreaming of my own land. I'm reading a ficticious novel that takes place back in the 1700s; the days of homesteading. We don't actually own the land here in Canada - we kinda lease it from the crown - but everyone calls and thinks of it as ownership anyway. Today I saw myself puttering around making my own piece of land mine. We are still renting and I am extremely appreciative to have such a wonderful place in which to live but there are times when I yearn for my own well affordable little, or not so little, place of my own. Somewhere that I can add to and make mine like my neighbour with her garden. Somewhere to pass on to the kids when that time comes on. Sigh. I haven't totally given up hope on that although the years are advancing and life seems to be about survival at the moment rather than prosperity. I don't think of it often but there still is this part of me that yearns of a place to make my own.
Send a thought or a prayer for me
into the air for me
that one day I may see fufilled
the dreams of my mind - NABK
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