I wanted to sing to you

Yesterday I saw my teenaged daughter perform with her school choir. I sat in a chair crammed into a gym with many other thus obliged parents, aunts, uncles, and some siblings. I was lucky enough to sit in the second row and I had a perfect view of the choir. I was sitting next to another mom who is also a friend of mine and whose daughter was singing aswell. She and I caught up on things as we haven't had time to chat for a while but as the Choir Director spoke, we dutifully stopped our chat and payed attention.

I love music. The fact that my kids love music too absolutely thrills me. When they actually invest time into learning to sing or play an instrument I feel amazingly proud. It was not a sacrifice for me to be sitting there listening and watching as my daughter added her voice to those around her. I was looking forward to it.

I was so enraptured with the singing and how beautiful my daughter looked standing there that I felt a tear roll down my face. My mom friend was tapping her feet to the beat and swaying back and forth but I stayed poker straight and just focused on those kids- mine in particular.

I'm sure I looked like a lovesick puppy. I tell you, I never would have understood the invisible cords that bind a mother to her children. It has nothing to do with the will. It is totally uncontrollable. They are attached to my soul as surely as they had been attached to the umbillecal cord when they were inside me and I know it will be that way for my entire life, regardless of what happens.

And so they sang. The song that spoke the most to me was 'True Colors'. It's that song made popular by Cyndi Lauper back when some of us were younger. The words are admirable. They speak of loving someone regardless of their faults. I don't know if that was the song that my daughter was speaking about after the concert, but it could have been.

As we were walking out to the car and she was critiquing her performance she added, "Mom, I wanted to sing to you but whenever I looked at you it made me laugh so I looked somewhere else." It was just a passing phrase. She kept talking about other things - mostly how she thought they really stunk on this song or that - but I tell you, I didn't hear much more of what she said cus my teenage baby had wanted to sing to me.

I've been an embarassment to her for a few years - since she hit puberty - as is customary. I try not to draw too much attention to myself when we are in public because I remember how embarassed I was by my own mother. (She always wanted to hold my hand and pat my rear end- lol) I try not to be cool because I know that almost always backfires. I just try to be me and to be her mother.

One thing that girl has always given me, and she doesn't even know it, is hope. Her enthusiasm for everything - she is even enthusiastic about being bored - makes me sometimes feel very inferior. But I highly value her personality. I think I've learned to put on the thick skin when she is unhappy because invariably, as with my teenage son, it is obviously my fault that she feels that way. And I'm hoping the lessons that I've learned with those two hold me through the remaining teenage years. But one thing, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to, is those moments like the that one when she told me that she wanted to sing to me.

It's illogical. But I felt as I imagined I would feel if the company at work gave me a big fat promotion. Or made me employee or manager of the year. I don't get many accolades for being a mom. Why should I. It isn't really my choice any more. It's who I am. I gave up any expectation for that a long time ago. But really, I've been getting them all along. It's the little things that speak volumes. It brings me to tears to think about it and I'm sure my daughter would roll her eyes should she read this. But I wanted you all to know, last night I got the "Mom, I wanted to sing to you" award. I sincerely hope you notice all the little signs of recognition your children or loved ones are giving you. Never doubt that you count. Never doubt you have influence. Never doubt you are loved. For you do and you are. :)