I realized something today

OMGsh! I realized something today. I realized that I love what I do.

Okay, so it went like this. I've been having weeks of endless dimness despite the warmth and strong sun we are having here on the coast. This morning I woke up wrestless and unhappy and SO tired of starting another day the same way. (I'm waiting for test results to tell me that my body is falling apart so I will have something to blame this lethargy on). I heard my husband in the kitchen getting ready to take our son to hockey. It was 5 am. - insane - anyway, I shuffled out to watch him prepare his lunch and he told me perhaps I should go back to bed. (I must have looked prrrrety bad) So, like any good wife, I dumped on him. "Oh my life is so sad" and stuff like that. I don't remember exactly all of what he said to me but I do remember him saying something like he hoped when I figured out what I wanted that I still wanted what I have. I eventually went back to bed for a few minutes and when I got up again, something felt a little different.

In the shower I found myself remembering what I wanted to do when I grew up. You know, back to that highschool time when everyone was asking us 'what do you want to be? what do you want to do?' I remember being a bit confused. I wanted to be a lawyer until my dad sat me down with his lawyer friend and he told me how it was. I wanted to be a teacher but my mother kept telling me that would be best for me so I totally rebelled - like, how could SHE know what was best for me. (I was such a stupid kid) I wanted to work in social work 'cus I thought I could help people. I wanted to be a youth pastor 'cus it looked like SO much fun. I wanted to be a writer and an artist - painter preferably. And I wanted to eventually get married and have four kids and play games and go for hikes and laugh and laugh and be best friends with my partner for the rest of our lives, living in progressive harmony to a point of where somehow we changed the world for the better. Simple dreams.

Well, like I said, I changed my mind on the lawyer thing. I rebelled on my mother with the teacher thing. I worked in social work for a while by working in group homes and working in day mods. I worked in the school system as a teacher's assistant. And now I write and am trying my hand at various artistic things though that hasn't made me any money yet. AND, I got married and had a big family like I wanted. However I have noticed my big family hasn't been playing games and going for hikes and laughing and laughing that much lately. Nor have I been doing much with my best friend partner other than smiling at each other across the diner table and cosying up together at night.

Back to the shower. So I'm thinking about all of this while I'm having a shower and I start wondering why my family is so 'blah' these days. Why aren't we playing together and doing things together and why aren't my husband and I attempting to change the world. And I come to the conclusion that it has something to do with me.

We underestimate our power sometimes, us women. We allow this society we've built to tell us what to do and how to feel and which roles to fill. Society hasn't always been this way you know. Remember Cleopatra? She was most likely the most powerful lone female ruler of all time. And part of the reason she was, was she had plenty of role models of strong, authoritative females to go by - although none became as powerful as she. Some suppose this had something to do with the worship of Isis. Isis was the goddess of motherhood, magic and fertility (thus says Wikipedia and it rings well with my memory of mythology aswell) Worshiping such a goddess would quite possibly elevate the status of women themselves.

I'm not Cleopatra - just so you know. But I still weild a strong amount of power. And the climate in my home is my responsibility. Okay, you may not agree with this for yourself, but in my case, with a dream of a happy family so long in the making - well, I believe it is. Working from home, I'm here. I can put the food in the oven so that the house smells inviting. I can make sure the fire is on so the place is warm. I can light the candles and have the place cosy. I can smile a 'I'm so happy to see you' smile the moment any one of the family arrives and laugh and listen to them as they recount the adventures of the day or feed them their snacks and let them have their own time after the stress of their school day. After all, this is what I wanted: a family - my family.

I'm not responsible for their individual happiness. It's certainly not my fault that they may or may not enjoy their chores at home. If they had a fight with one of their friends or got a bad grade on a test it isn't my responsibility. I'm also not the reason they lose their temper or get out of control. But I am responsible for the level of involvement I have in their lives. I can give them a safe place to come home to. I can see they are fed, warm, clean and loved. And, to toot my own horn, I'm kinda good at it. It's who I was born to be in the same way I believe I was born to be a writer.

That doesn't mean all women need to do what I do. That is an illogical conclusion. Some people just know what they are to do. I am to mother. I mothered my brothers and sisters when I lived at home. I mothered when I was the president of our youth group. I mothered when I was an employee at the group home. I mothered at the day mod and I somewhat mothered when I was a teacher's assistant. I've done other things with my time to make money but I have to say that aspects of motherhood have been in all of those. I am a mother. And there is alot of power in being a mother. It's just our current society doesn't agree. You may argue that but then we'd definately disagree. For one thing, what kind of society who values the power of the mother takes the mothers away from the children. It would appear we believe that the only way for children to be properly raised is for standardised systems to raise them. The governement is getting more and more involved with child care where we live and it is scaring me for sure. Unless society thinks mothering is such an important and powerful thing that only governed societal systems can manage it. Hmm.

But that isn't what this message is about. It's really just about me. LOL! And me realized today that I love what I do. I'm good at it. It isn't something just anyone can do. And it is a very powerful position to be in. I control the climate at which this family spends a significant portion of their time. I can create a safe, comfortable and affirming place for these people to spend their days or not.

Maybe you are a mom or dad. Maybe you know a mom or dad - lol! Take a look at those whom you know invest time and effort into such a position. Is there a difference with them or with those that live with them? Perhaps you can't put your finger on it. It could be simple a level of confidence radiating from them. It could be a contentment from the caregiver. Or it could be something you can't see at all.

Regardless I see that I have power. I have power in other areas aswell but that will be a subject for another blog. For now, have faith in what ever you do if it is what you were born to do. If you haven't realized yet what it is that you were born to be or do then be patient with yourself because you really will see it one of these days. Perhaps on a day when you are whiny. Perhaps in the shower.

Bye for now. Enjoy today. :)