It's December. A chill is in the air. Christmas lights are on people's houses and the occasional lit Christmas tree can be seen through the curtains in people's living rooms. Now is the time for reflection, outreach and gratitude.
Reflection: There are people everywhere bustling to the stores trying to make Christmas a special time by buying the ultimate gifts and yet their bodies are full of financial and emotional stresses that no amount of buying will cure. They crave the appreciation of the ones their gifts are for and fear that if they do not get the ideal gift, Christmas won't be quite right to those they love.
Outreach: The food banks in our area are low on food. The schools have contests on which class brings in the most non-perishable foods; the kids' hockey teams do the same; some entertainment venues offer free admission with donations of food. Baskets are set up in grocery stores. There are trees waiting for angels to decorate them that signify someone has donated a gift. The appearance of abundance at Christmas is paramount to our Canadian culture. Everyone must have a joyous Christmas where they eat well and receive gifts. In this way we all can enjoy and attempt to spread what people still talk about as being the spirit of Christmas.
Gratitude: Life is good. Even when life is not good, there must be something we can cling to that is good. When life is hard we must focus on those things we do have. At Christmas it may be family. It may be friends. It may be a cozy place to live. It may be the spirit of giving. It may even be what I believe it is intended to be; gratitude for salvation of the spirit and a life after this one has passed and gratitude for a God who loves us still.
Have a happy December!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Bruno Mars
Every once in a while I'm listening to the radio with my kids and a song I really like comes on. "Grenade" by Bruno Mars appears to be one of those songs. Although I feel like I"m watching Donny Osmond when I watch the video - the guy is just a kid himself it would seem - it's a heart felt song about unrequited love. It's innocently tragic and sweetly melodious. Any of you old fogies out there might want to branch out and check it out. Any of you youngies out there most likely already have.
The video can be viewed at www.brunomars.com. I'll see if I can figure out how to put it on the sidebar of the blog but if not you may check it out on your own.
Enjoy!
The video can be viewed at www.brunomars.com. I'll see if I can figure out how to put it on the sidebar of the blog but if not you may check it out on your own.
Enjoy!
Monday, November 22, 2010
It's Not About The Kids
I am immensely proud of my children. They are fabulous people. I love to hear and see them laugh and get along with each other, their friends, or their dad and me. I enjoy watching them grow and learn. They exasperate me over and over again but I know that much of that is my own impatience and ignorance. I work on that.
Now though, I'm realizing that the stage and place in my life for total absorption in the lives of the children is passing. "There is a time for all seasons and a season for all things." (misquote from a proverb or psalm). I'm not exactly sure what season I'm in right now but I know it is different than before.
Oh, the seasons that I've had. I've had the time of dolls, cars, Easter bunny and Santa clause - childhood wonders and continual discovery. I've idolized my mother and thought my father was as handsome as Elvis Presley (the young one of course). I had the zits and the moodiness, the uncertainty and aloneness of those teenage years. 'I kissed the boys and made them run', exploring a more feminine side of myself. I studied, learned that I knew so much and not much at all. I entered a lifelong love commitment, started a family and lived in babyland for too many years to go into. Now the horizon is a shade of orange - it's a different shade than I've seen before although I've heard talk of it. And it's exciting.
I've done a couple new things lately. I've started running as I mentioned in one of my latest entries. I've taken a stained glass class and discovered that I was correct in thinking I would absolutely love it. One more class to learn to do the welding and then an acid etching bonus class and I'll be on my way to creating my own masterpieces - something I'm looking extremely forward to. I'm writing more and attempting to reignite my latent drawing talents. I guess I feel like I'm on a new road.
Are you on a new road? Which season is it in your life right now? Are you able to live in this moment and enjoy it? You know, I look around my house and see the litter of past seasons. There are still a few baby toys about. There are tons of paper things I have to decide how to organize (how many pictures your three, four, seven, ten year old drew is necessary to keep for those later years when you ... what exactly do people ever do with those drawings?) I have half done crafts from when I was doing crafts; tons of cut outs for quilts when I started my quilting; office supplies from a long dead business; pictures of the past forty-some years of my life. All of these things cluttering up my house and my head. I don't want to ever part with the lessons I've learned or the laughter I hear from the memories those things bring to mind but I also only seem to have room for so much. Are you cluttered with stuff in your living space or only in your head?
Fulfillment - personal fulfillment - seems to be pressing out from within me. I want personal fulfillment. I want a sense of a job well done. I want a sense of time passing in a pleasant whirlwind of achievement and personal satisfaction. I want continued love and laughter surrounding me and I want love and laughter to spring forth from within me - spilling everywhere.
Is that too much to ask?
It doesn't feel like it is right now. I don't care too much if I look sexy - although I love feeling sexy. I don't care too much if what I do meets with 'their' approval - although I want to accomplish things. I feel like right now I`m looking for recognition from myself.
Oprah may be criticized my some and revered my many but recently I read such an interesting article in her magazine about those women who are wanting to unite their own personal calling with their money making abilities. The author of the article said to ask ourselves what we have ever done that we have been utterly happily absorbed in. To make a list of those things and start with that. She goes on to explain how to find that pathway to a career choice from there - for that you can look up Oprah`s November 2010 magazine. I`m still working on that first point. It`s been rather enlightening. I am surprised to find that there are few things that I get totally absorbed in and many things that I get bored with. This is good. Well, it helps narrow things down a bit anyway. I love introspection for one. Which is why I may never get past that first question.
What is it you do that totally absorbs you and leaves you happy? Do you have things you do that fit into that category? Okay, let`s get rid of the sex activity for those of you to whom that`s the first thing circling in your mind. I don`t think the author is suggesting you make money in that area but go on enjoying it for sure.
Think about it. Are you at a place in your life where you want to be fulfilled now? Is the thrill of the job you`ve been in totally gone replaced by boredom that has you watching the minute hand of your clock? If not -great - just keep on keeping on. But if so, well, maybe you are where I am. And there is another season after this one, if we`re so blessed.
Enjoy today. Live in this moment while planning on having another. If you`re still in that place where the kids rule, then live there. Know, however, that there are other seasons to come. It can be a pretty exciting life if we let it be.
Now though, I'm realizing that the stage and place in my life for total absorption in the lives of the children is passing. "There is a time for all seasons and a season for all things." (misquote from a proverb or psalm). I'm not exactly sure what season I'm in right now but I know it is different than before.
Oh, the seasons that I've had. I've had the time of dolls, cars, Easter bunny and Santa clause - childhood wonders and continual discovery. I've idolized my mother and thought my father was as handsome as Elvis Presley (the young one of course). I had the zits and the moodiness, the uncertainty and aloneness of those teenage years. 'I kissed the boys and made them run', exploring a more feminine side of myself. I studied, learned that I knew so much and not much at all. I entered a lifelong love commitment, started a family and lived in babyland for too many years to go into. Now the horizon is a shade of orange - it's a different shade than I've seen before although I've heard talk of it. And it's exciting.
I've done a couple new things lately. I've started running as I mentioned in one of my latest entries. I've taken a stained glass class and discovered that I was correct in thinking I would absolutely love it. One more class to learn to do the welding and then an acid etching bonus class and I'll be on my way to creating my own masterpieces - something I'm looking extremely forward to. I'm writing more and attempting to reignite my latent drawing talents. I guess I feel like I'm on a new road.
Are you on a new road? Which season is it in your life right now? Are you able to live in this moment and enjoy it? You know, I look around my house and see the litter of past seasons. There are still a few baby toys about. There are tons of paper things I have to decide how to organize (how many pictures your three, four, seven, ten year old drew is necessary to keep for those later years when you ... what exactly do people ever do with those drawings?) I have half done crafts from when I was doing crafts; tons of cut outs for quilts when I started my quilting; office supplies from a long dead business; pictures of the past forty-some years of my life. All of these things cluttering up my house and my head. I don't want to ever part with the lessons I've learned or the laughter I hear from the memories those things bring to mind but I also only seem to have room for so much. Are you cluttered with stuff in your living space or only in your head?
Fulfillment - personal fulfillment - seems to be pressing out from within me. I want personal fulfillment. I want a sense of a job well done. I want a sense of time passing in a pleasant whirlwind of achievement and personal satisfaction. I want continued love and laughter surrounding me and I want love and laughter to spring forth from within me - spilling everywhere.
Is that too much to ask?
It doesn't feel like it is right now. I don't care too much if I look sexy - although I love feeling sexy. I don't care too much if what I do meets with 'their' approval - although I want to accomplish things. I feel like right now I`m looking for recognition from myself.
Oprah may be criticized my some and revered my many but recently I read such an interesting article in her magazine about those women who are wanting to unite their own personal calling with their money making abilities. The author of the article said to ask ourselves what we have ever done that we have been utterly happily absorbed in. To make a list of those things and start with that. She goes on to explain how to find that pathway to a career choice from there - for that you can look up Oprah`s November 2010 magazine. I`m still working on that first point. It`s been rather enlightening. I am surprised to find that there are few things that I get totally absorbed in and many things that I get bored with. This is good. Well, it helps narrow things down a bit anyway. I love introspection for one. Which is why I may never get past that first question.
What is it you do that totally absorbs you and leaves you happy? Do you have things you do that fit into that category? Okay, let`s get rid of the sex activity for those of you to whom that`s the first thing circling in your mind. I don`t think the author is suggesting you make money in that area but go on enjoying it for sure.
Think about it. Are you at a place in your life where you want to be fulfilled now? Is the thrill of the job you`ve been in totally gone replaced by boredom that has you watching the minute hand of your clock? If not -great - just keep on keeping on. But if so, well, maybe you are where I am. And there is another season after this one, if we`re so blessed.
Enjoy today. Live in this moment while planning on having another. If you`re still in that place where the kids rule, then live there. Know, however, that there are other seasons to come. It can be a pretty exciting life if we let it be.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Addictable
Can a person be addicted to popcorn? What about writing in a blog? What about reading a blog? Or reading period? Are these things addictable? And if not then what makes an addiction, an addiction?
There is some debate on the matter to be sure. Traditionally the term addiction has been applied to those things that involve psychoactive substances, intefering with normal brain functioning. These would be things such as drugs and alcohol. There are those professionals who add psychological dependency to the qualifications of those things which are addictable adding things such as pornography, sex, and gambling to the list of addictable items. Still others put computer games, exercise, and shopping into the mix. Oh, and food is definately in there in one of the categories.
It seems to me, based on my playing with addictioin, that there is a chemical thing going on. Research shows the chemistry of the brain is temporarily altered when subjects view errotic pictures. Runners will speak of the 'natural high' they get from running. And if you've ever watched a teenager playing a video game you've seen some sort of personality change happen infront of your eyes.
So what do we do about this? How do we live with addiction or avoid becoming addicted? Sorry I don't have an answer. My own personal solution has been to change things up often. And so, I've just finished most of a series of books that I found utterly amazing and could only put down to do the most basic of functions. There is one more book left but I don't as yet have it so I'm going to do my best to put it on my Christmas wish list and wait for a month to continue reading it. But now I've started running. And I'm eating popcorn. Considering the posting I did a couple postings ago the popcorn needs to go even if it is becoming lunch rather than a snack. But that is just what I do. Hopefully running will last at least as long as the book series did.
What is your addiction? Can you say? Do you think some people are more disposed to addiction than others? Some researchers say it is so. Are some of us doomed to be chained to an outside pull that, once started, becomes out of our control?
Just a thought.
There is some debate on the matter to be sure. Traditionally the term addiction has been applied to those things that involve psychoactive substances, intefering with normal brain functioning. These would be things such as drugs and alcohol. There are those professionals who add psychological dependency to the qualifications of those things which are addictable adding things such as pornography, sex, and gambling to the list of addictable items. Still others put computer games, exercise, and shopping into the mix. Oh, and food is definately in there in one of the categories.
It seems to me, based on my playing with addictioin, that there is a chemical thing going on. Research shows the chemistry of the brain is temporarily altered when subjects view errotic pictures. Runners will speak of the 'natural high' they get from running. And if you've ever watched a teenager playing a video game you've seen some sort of personality change happen infront of your eyes.
So what do we do about this? How do we live with addiction or avoid becoming addicted? Sorry I don't have an answer. My own personal solution has been to change things up often. And so, I've just finished most of a series of books that I found utterly amazing and could only put down to do the most basic of functions. There is one more book left but I don't as yet have it so I'm going to do my best to put it on my Christmas wish list and wait for a month to continue reading it. But now I've started running. And I'm eating popcorn. Considering the posting I did a couple postings ago the popcorn needs to go even if it is becoming lunch rather than a snack. But that is just what I do. Hopefully running will last at least as long as the book series did.
What is your addiction? Can you say? Do you think some people are more disposed to addiction than others? Some researchers say it is so. Are some of us doomed to be chained to an outside pull that, once started, becomes out of our control?
Just a thought.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Little Piece Of Contraversy
Do you remember the heated abortion debates? What about the concerns regarding putting condom dispensers in high school bathrooms? Remember the 'well they're going to do it anyway so lets equip them with what we can to protect them' attitude versus the 'we mustn't do anything to give any impression of approval.' Both attitudes have merrit but has the debate ever been won?
I find in life there are so many times in which the decisions we need to make take one of the above directions. It seems that the times now favour the first approach where we open our eyes to what is happening around us and do what we deem necessary to guard those who are stepping out of the box. In so doing, have we changed society?
There is a fear that has been growing for years within the Christian community as families that had professed to be followers of the Church leave it in droves. What is happening to these people? Are they able to maintain their basic belief systems outside of an organized religion? Do they move to a more evangelical style of Christianity or do they abandon their beliefs altogether? Is there anything out there holding the moral fabric of our society in place or has it, like the Church, been erroded by ancient philosophies, more modern cases of abuse, and a lack of addressing the present?
You know, I'm not a Biblical scholar but having been around the church most of my life I have observed much. I have read my Bible and listened to sermons. I've done Bible studies and heard the interpretation of others supposedly more learned than myself. I've prayed and opened my heart to hear God. What I have seen is that God, while constant, interacts with His people in different ways in different eras. So I tend to favour the attitude that change is a good thing - hard, of course, but still a good thing. I really don't think that God is afraid of change. If we follow the belief that God created the world and all that is in it, then we can't help but observe that these creations of His change. There are the seasons of course. There is the growth of everything. There is too, the evolutionary changes that we cannot ignore. As humans we've introduced our own types of changes with things such as breeding, travel, thought. Change is part of the structure of our earth; the structure of our lives.
Not all change can be seen as good. And this is where that other attitude comes in. If we allow ourselves to acknowledge and address the physical outcomes of moral discretions, then are we ourselves contributing to the decay of moral order? Some would argue that it is the moral order itself which needs to be changed.
The argument goes around and around and around. However I do fear that the easing up of moral boundaries has and will continue to lead people down pathways of individual character crisis. There are times in our lives for strict, clear rules. "STOP" at the stopsign. "Do Not Touch' the hot burner. and the like. And then there are times when we need to put our own brain to work, question what is being asked of us, and make our own decisions. Society cannot rule us always. God, by His own admission, has given us free choice. I don't believe He really thinks we will choose His way all of the time. I hope He has gives some allowances to us independent minded sloths.
Anyway, I'm not trying to solve anything here. I was just thinking about all of this for some unknown reason and thought perhaps you might have thoughts aswell. Feel free to comment if you choose. I enjoy hearing other people's thoughts on things. But no matter what you decide to do; what your thoughts are; or if you agree with what I've written, be sure to have a great day!
I find in life there are so many times in which the decisions we need to make take one of the above directions. It seems that the times now favour the first approach where we open our eyes to what is happening around us and do what we deem necessary to guard those who are stepping out of the box. In so doing, have we changed society?
There is a fear that has been growing for years within the Christian community as families that had professed to be followers of the Church leave it in droves. What is happening to these people? Are they able to maintain their basic belief systems outside of an organized religion? Do they move to a more evangelical style of Christianity or do they abandon their beliefs altogether? Is there anything out there holding the moral fabric of our society in place or has it, like the Church, been erroded by ancient philosophies, more modern cases of abuse, and a lack of addressing the present?
You know, I'm not a Biblical scholar but having been around the church most of my life I have observed much. I have read my Bible and listened to sermons. I've done Bible studies and heard the interpretation of others supposedly more learned than myself. I've prayed and opened my heart to hear God. What I have seen is that God, while constant, interacts with His people in different ways in different eras. So I tend to favour the attitude that change is a good thing - hard, of course, but still a good thing. I really don't think that God is afraid of change. If we follow the belief that God created the world and all that is in it, then we can't help but observe that these creations of His change. There are the seasons of course. There is the growth of everything. There is too, the evolutionary changes that we cannot ignore. As humans we've introduced our own types of changes with things such as breeding, travel, thought. Change is part of the structure of our earth; the structure of our lives.
Not all change can be seen as good. And this is where that other attitude comes in. If we allow ourselves to acknowledge and address the physical outcomes of moral discretions, then are we ourselves contributing to the decay of moral order? Some would argue that it is the moral order itself which needs to be changed.
The argument goes around and around and around. However I do fear that the easing up of moral boundaries has and will continue to lead people down pathways of individual character crisis. There are times in our lives for strict, clear rules. "STOP" at the stopsign. "Do Not Touch' the hot burner. and the like. And then there are times when we need to put our own brain to work, question what is being asked of us, and make our own decisions. Society cannot rule us always. God, by His own admission, has given us free choice. I don't believe He really thinks we will choose His way all of the time. I hope He has gives some allowances to us independent minded sloths.
Anyway, I'm not trying to solve anything here. I was just thinking about all of this for some unknown reason and thought perhaps you might have thoughts aswell. Feel free to comment if you choose. I enjoy hearing other people's thoughts on things. But no matter what you decide to do; what your thoughts are; or if you agree with what I've written, be sure to have a great day!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Here I go again!
Oh am I excited! I've decided to take up the gauntlet and fight once again to regain control over my body. This has got to be the one zillionth time I've done this. I don't recommend this to anyone by the way. Yoyoing is a horrible way to go throughout life. Deprivation and indulgence - that's my cycle. I understand there are psychological reasons why I do this. I'm working on those things for sure. But for now, this not fitting into my jeans thing is way too old. I am NOT buying clothes in a larger size. Of course I'm currently stretching any pant I can wear to its outermost limit so I'm not fooling anyone. LOL!
Anyway, I've decided that it's either deprive myself of tidbits and morsels of totally unreasonable foods or deprive myself of feeling sexy in my skin - and I like feeling sexy in my skin so it's back to the drawing board.
My next door neighbour is sick of her after baby weight. (Her baby is now three) She decided to do her own thing following the Weigh Watcher program. In my vast experience, unless you have an accountability buddy, programs don't generally last so she and I are going to be accountability buddies. She's losing twenty-five pounds. I'm fitting into my jeans.
Tomorrow we start so I have loaded up on popcorn, chocolate chip cookies and am going out to dinner tonight and plan on having a few drinks. It's traditional to start a program by having a good binge before hand - similar perhaps to having that one last fling before you get married. (Okay, just for prosperity, I didn't actually HAVE one last fling before I got married but you get the idea) It's also not really advisable to go on a binge before you start a program - in fact it is down right inadvisable - puts your sugars in the wrong place and forces you into a place of withdrawal but since when has logic prevailed when you have an eating disorder?!
Wish me luck. I will undoubtedly keep you poor people posted as starving dieters tend to be strangely self-centred. If I never mention this topic again, it probably means I'm still on a binge.
Enjoy today!!!
Anyway, I've decided that it's either deprive myself of tidbits and morsels of totally unreasonable foods or deprive myself of feeling sexy in my skin - and I like feeling sexy in my skin so it's back to the drawing board.
My next door neighbour is sick of her after baby weight. (Her baby is now three) She decided to do her own thing following the Weigh Watcher program. In my vast experience, unless you have an accountability buddy, programs don't generally last so she and I are going to be accountability buddies. She's losing twenty-five pounds. I'm fitting into my jeans.
Tomorrow we start so I have loaded up on popcorn, chocolate chip cookies and am going out to dinner tonight and plan on having a few drinks. It's traditional to start a program by having a good binge before hand - similar perhaps to having that one last fling before you get married. (Okay, just for prosperity, I didn't actually HAVE one last fling before I got married but you get the idea) It's also not really advisable to go on a binge before you start a program - in fact it is down right inadvisable - puts your sugars in the wrong place and forces you into a place of withdrawal but since when has logic prevailed when you have an eating disorder?!
Wish me luck. I will undoubtedly keep you poor people posted as starving dieters tend to be strangely self-centred. If I never mention this topic again, it probably means I'm still on a binge.
Enjoy today!!!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Armour anyone?
So how many shots does it take to your armour before you are perforated with bullets? Seriously, I'm curious. Obviously I'm using some sort of metaphor here. I do not currently own a suit of armour and am doubtful you have one either. I'm talking about that invisible suit you wear to keep yourself yourself. It's the shell that protects you from emotional pain - the layer that prevents you from being influenced.
Let me elaborate. You wake up and you feel great. Maybe you even exercise - something you've been planning on doing for the past few week. Things are off to a fabulous start. You drink you water. You eat your breakfast. Perhaps you meditate. And then you take the kids to school and/or go to work or go get groceries and a variety of things happen. One of the kids decides they shouldn't wear a coat although it is pouring rain out and throws it off as you are getting into the car. One kid yells at another as you are getting them buckled in. Someone honks at you as you stop to let some random kid walk in front of your car. One of the kids decides he doesn't want you to leave and bursts into tears and now you are consoling your child and the clock is ticking. Traffic is heavy and you arrive at work too close to start time for comfort and the elevator is full so you have to wait for the next one and now you really are late. Or the parking lot at the grocery store is full of people walking where they shouldn't be and not caring about the fact that you are waiting with a line of cars behind you and a line of cars coming towards you as you pull into the lot. Someone gives you the finger. Are you still feeling peaceful and in control?
How many of these bullets does it take you before your armour is full of holes or battered beyond repair? Is that number constant? Are you better at defence on some days rather than others? It seems that way with me but I am curious about others. Is it just my personality? How many others moods can be changed by the moods of others? Please, I'd be interested to know.
Personally, I think we've got to get better armour. But how do we do that? How do we arm ourselves to protect our fragile egos or our fragile sense of selves? Because every day we face battles. Even if you lock yourself in your home and stay there, you will be faced with battles. Trust me. Been there, done that.
Forgive me a moment as I turn to the Bible - that book that some of you would rather I not turn to - but seriously, the Bible uses the analogy of armour to protect the people of God from the hostilities of evil and I think we can use this for our own well-being.
So, in the Bible it says "Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with ther readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God..." Ephesians 6:14-16
I think when we face the bullets of the unknown who barrage us with their ammunition, we need to follow this advice. We need to keep that truth that we are special and capable and strong belted around our waist all day long. We need to protect our heart with the breastplate of confidence. Our feet should be wearing a pair of shoes that are prepared for the fact that there will be a challenge we need to be ready for. The shield of faith could be your spiritual faith or simply a faith in your own abilities despite those trying to tell you differently. The helmet of salvation - well, we need a helmet to keep that brain safe against psychological attack but I'm not sure what an equivalent to salvation is in secular terms. Something that would help us to remember that we are intelligent as well as helping us remember to keep things in perspective. The sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God could be simply words of affirmation about ourselves. I know I've used phrases for years such as 'I am beautiful' and 'I am a good thinker', repeating them to myself in the morning or evening or whenever I feel like those opinions of myself are being attacked, to help keep my self-esteem higher than it could be.
You are special. You are intelligent. I don't know what your unique ability collage is but you do have one. You have beauty in you. You can overcome. You can survive. These are things we need to keep at the forefront of our minds and hearts. We must rely on ourselves to build ourselves up. It is our own responsibility and we must not wait for others to take it on for us.
It's a fact that there will be days when the rain seems to be slowly melting us into a puddle of useless mush. There will be days when we feel like we are stretching to meet the sun. But perhaps we can keep who we are closer if we are suited up against attack. Thankfully this is all philosophical. I don't particularly think I'd enjoy walking around looking like a knight. That armour seems rather heavy to me. But I can wear our analogical armour around all the day long. Can you?
Let me elaborate. You wake up and you feel great. Maybe you even exercise - something you've been planning on doing for the past few week. Things are off to a fabulous start. You drink you water. You eat your breakfast. Perhaps you meditate. And then you take the kids to school and/or go to work or go get groceries and a variety of things happen. One of the kids decides they shouldn't wear a coat although it is pouring rain out and throws it off as you are getting into the car. One kid yells at another as you are getting them buckled in. Someone honks at you as you stop to let some random kid walk in front of your car. One of the kids decides he doesn't want you to leave and bursts into tears and now you are consoling your child and the clock is ticking. Traffic is heavy and you arrive at work too close to start time for comfort and the elevator is full so you have to wait for the next one and now you really are late. Or the parking lot at the grocery store is full of people walking where they shouldn't be and not caring about the fact that you are waiting with a line of cars behind you and a line of cars coming towards you as you pull into the lot. Someone gives you the finger. Are you still feeling peaceful and in control?
How many of these bullets does it take you before your armour is full of holes or battered beyond repair? Is that number constant? Are you better at defence on some days rather than others? It seems that way with me but I am curious about others. Is it just my personality? How many others moods can be changed by the moods of others? Please, I'd be interested to know.
Personally, I think we've got to get better armour. But how do we do that? How do we arm ourselves to protect our fragile egos or our fragile sense of selves? Because every day we face battles. Even if you lock yourself in your home and stay there, you will be faced with battles. Trust me. Been there, done that.
Forgive me a moment as I turn to the Bible - that book that some of you would rather I not turn to - but seriously, the Bible uses the analogy of armour to protect the people of God from the hostilities of evil and I think we can use this for our own well-being.
So, in the Bible it says "Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with ther readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God..." Ephesians 6:14-16
I think when we face the bullets of the unknown who barrage us with their ammunition, we need to follow this advice. We need to keep that truth that we are special and capable and strong belted around our waist all day long. We need to protect our heart with the breastplate of confidence. Our feet should be wearing a pair of shoes that are prepared for the fact that there will be a challenge we need to be ready for. The shield of faith could be your spiritual faith or simply a faith in your own abilities despite those trying to tell you differently. The helmet of salvation - well, we need a helmet to keep that brain safe against psychological attack but I'm not sure what an equivalent to salvation is in secular terms. Something that would help us to remember that we are intelligent as well as helping us remember to keep things in perspective. The sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God could be simply words of affirmation about ourselves. I know I've used phrases for years such as 'I am beautiful' and 'I am a good thinker', repeating them to myself in the morning or evening or whenever I feel like those opinions of myself are being attacked, to help keep my self-esteem higher than it could be.
You are special. You are intelligent. I don't know what your unique ability collage is but you do have one. You have beauty in you. You can overcome. You can survive. These are things we need to keep at the forefront of our minds and hearts. We must rely on ourselves to build ourselves up. It is our own responsibility and we must not wait for others to take it on for us.
It's a fact that there will be days when the rain seems to be slowly melting us into a puddle of useless mush. There will be days when we feel like we are stretching to meet the sun. But perhaps we can keep who we are closer if we are suited up against attack. Thankfully this is all philosophical. I don't particularly think I'd enjoy walking around looking like a knight. That armour seems rather heavy to me. But I can wear our analogical armour around all the day long. Can you?
Friday, November 5, 2010
I realized something today
OMGsh! I realized something today. I realized that I love what I do.
Okay, so it went like this. I've been having weeks of endless dimness despite the warmth and strong sun we are having here on the coast. This morning I woke up wrestless and unhappy and SO tired of starting another day the same way. (I'm waiting for test results to tell me that my body is falling apart so I will have something to blame this lethargy on). I heard my husband in the kitchen getting ready to take our son to hockey. It was 5 am. - insane - anyway, I shuffled out to watch him prepare his lunch and he told me perhaps I should go back to bed. (I must have looked prrrrety bad) So, like any good wife, I dumped on him. "Oh my life is so sad" and stuff like that. I don't remember exactly all of what he said to me but I do remember him saying something like he hoped when I figured out what I wanted that I still wanted what I have. I eventually went back to bed for a few minutes and when I got up again, something felt a little different.
In the shower I found myself remembering what I wanted to do when I grew up. You know, back to that highschool time when everyone was asking us 'what do you want to be? what do you want to do?' I remember being a bit confused. I wanted to be a lawyer until my dad sat me down with his lawyer friend and he told me how it was. I wanted to be a teacher but my mother kept telling me that would be best for me so I totally rebelled - like, how could SHE know what was best for me. (I was such a stupid kid) I wanted to work in social work 'cus I thought I could help people. I wanted to be a youth pastor 'cus it looked like SO much fun. I wanted to be a writer and an artist - painter preferably. And I wanted to eventually get married and have four kids and play games and go for hikes and laugh and laugh and be best friends with my partner for the rest of our lives, living in progressive harmony to a point of where somehow we changed the world for the better. Simple dreams.
Well, like I said, I changed my mind on the lawyer thing. I rebelled on my mother with the teacher thing. I worked in social work for a while by working in group homes and working in day mods. I worked in the school system as a teacher's assistant. And now I write and am trying my hand at various artistic things though that hasn't made me any money yet. AND, I got married and had a big family like I wanted. However I have noticed my big family hasn't been playing games and going for hikes and laughing and laughing that much lately. Nor have I been doing much with my best friend partner other than smiling at each other across the diner table and cosying up together at night.
Back to the shower. So I'm thinking about all of this while I'm having a shower and I start wondering why my family is so 'blah' these days. Why aren't we playing together and doing things together and why aren't my husband and I attempting to change the world. And I come to the conclusion that it has something to do with me.
We underestimate our power sometimes, us women. We allow this society we've built to tell us what to do and how to feel and which roles to fill. Society hasn't always been this way you know. Remember Cleopatra? She was most likely the most powerful lone female ruler of all time. And part of the reason she was, was she had plenty of role models of strong, authoritative females to go by - although none became as powerful as she. Some suppose this had something to do with the worship of Isis. Isis was the goddess of motherhood, magic and fertility (thus says Wikipedia and it rings well with my memory of mythology aswell) Worshiping such a goddess would quite possibly elevate the status of women themselves.
I'm not Cleopatra - just so you know. But I still weild a strong amount of power. And the climate in my home is my responsibility. Okay, you may not agree with this for yourself, but in my case, with a dream of a happy family so long in the making - well, I believe it is. Working from home, I'm here. I can put the food in the oven so that the house smells inviting. I can make sure the fire is on so the place is warm. I can light the candles and have the place cosy. I can smile a 'I'm so happy to see you' smile the moment any one of the family arrives and laugh and listen to them as they recount the adventures of the day or feed them their snacks and let them have their own time after the stress of their school day. After all, this is what I wanted: a family - my family.
I'm not responsible for their individual happiness. It's certainly not my fault that they may or may not enjoy their chores at home. If they had a fight with one of their friends or got a bad grade on a test it isn't my responsibility. I'm also not the reason they lose their temper or get out of control. But I am responsible for the level of involvement I have in their lives. I can give them a safe place to come home to. I can see they are fed, warm, clean and loved. And, to toot my own horn, I'm kinda good at it. It's who I was born to be in the same way I believe I was born to be a writer.
That doesn't mean all women need to do what I do. That is an illogical conclusion. Some people just know what they are to do. I am to mother. I mothered my brothers and sisters when I lived at home. I mothered when I was the president of our youth group. I mothered when I was an employee at the group home. I mothered at the day mod and I somewhat mothered when I was a teacher's assistant. I've done other things with my time to make money but I have to say that aspects of motherhood have been in all of those. I am a mother. And there is alot of power in being a mother. It's just our current society doesn't agree. You may argue that but then we'd definately disagree. For one thing, what kind of society who values the power of the mother takes the mothers away from the children. It would appear we believe that the only way for children to be properly raised is for standardised systems to raise them. The governement is getting more and more involved with child care where we live and it is scaring me for sure. Unless society thinks mothering is such an important and powerful thing that only governed societal systems can manage it. Hmm.
But that isn't what this message is about. It's really just about me. LOL! And me realized today that I love what I do. I'm good at it. It isn't something just anyone can do. And it is a very powerful position to be in. I control the climate at which this family spends a significant portion of their time. I can create a safe, comfortable and affirming place for these people to spend their days or not.
Maybe you are a mom or dad. Maybe you know a mom or dad - lol! Take a look at those whom you know invest time and effort into such a position. Is there a difference with them or with those that live with them? Perhaps you can't put your finger on it. It could be simple a level of confidence radiating from them. It could be a contentment from the caregiver. Or it could be something you can't see at all.
Regardless I see that I have power. I have power in other areas aswell but that will be a subject for another blog. For now, have faith in what ever you do if it is what you were born to do. If you haven't realized yet what it is that you were born to be or do then be patient with yourself because you really will see it one of these days. Perhaps on a day when you are whiny. Perhaps in the shower.
Bye for now. Enjoy today. :)
Okay, so it went like this. I've been having weeks of endless dimness despite the warmth and strong sun we are having here on the coast. This morning I woke up wrestless and unhappy and SO tired of starting another day the same way. (I'm waiting for test results to tell me that my body is falling apart so I will have something to blame this lethargy on). I heard my husband in the kitchen getting ready to take our son to hockey. It was 5 am. - insane - anyway, I shuffled out to watch him prepare his lunch and he told me perhaps I should go back to bed. (I must have looked prrrrety bad) So, like any good wife, I dumped on him. "Oh my life is so sad" and stuff like that. I don't remember exactly all of what he said to me but I do remember him saying something like he hoped when I figured out what I wanted that I still wanted what I have. I eventually went back to bed for a few minutes and when I got up again, something felt a little different.
In the shower I found myself remembering what I wanted to do when I grew up. You know, back to that highschool time when everyone was asking us 'what do you want to be? what do you want to do?' I remember being a bit confused. I wanted to be a lawyer until my dad sat me down with his lawyer friend and he told me how it was. I wanted to be a teacher but my mother kept telling me that would be best for me so I totally rebelled - like, how could SHE know what was best for me. (I was such a stupid kid) I wanted to work in social work 'cus I thought I could help people. I wanted to be a youth pastor 'cus it looked like SO much fun. I wanted to be a writer and an artist - painter preferably. And I wanted to eventually get married and have four kids and play games and go for hikes and laugh and laugh and be best friends with my partner for the rest of our lives, living in progressive harmony to a point of where somehow we changed the world for the better. Simple dreams.
Well, like I said, I changed my mind on the lawyer thing. I rebelled on my mother with the teacher thing. I worked in social work for a while by working in group homes and working in day mods. I worked in the school system as a teacher's assistant. And now I write and am trying my hand at various artistic things though that hasn't made me any money yet. AND, I got married and had a big family like I wanted. However I have noticed my big family hasn't been playing games and going for hikes and laughing and laughing that much lately. Nor have I been doing much with my best friend partner other than smiling at each other across the diner table and cosying up together at night.
Back to the shower. So I'm thinking about all of this while I'm having a shower and I start wondering why my family is so 'blah' these days. Why aren't we playing together and doing things together and why aren't my husband and I attempting to change the world. And I come to the conclusion that it has something to do with me.
We underestimate our power sometimes, us women. We allow this society we've built to tell us what to do and how to feel and which roles to fill. Society hasn't always been this way you know. Remember Cleopatra? She was most likely the most powerful lone female ruler of all time. And part of the reason she was, was she had plenty of role models of strong, authoritative females to go by - although none became as powerful as she. Some suppose this had something to do with the worship of Isis. Isis was the goddess of motherhood, magic and fertility (thus says Wikipedia and it rings well with my memory of mythology aswell) Worshiping such a goddess would quite possibly elevate the status of women themselves.
I'm not Cleopatra - just so you know. But I still weild a strong amount of power. And the climate in my home is my responsibility. Okay, you may not agree with this for yourself, but in my case, with a dream of a happy family so long in the making - well, I believe it is. Working from home, I'm here. I can put the food in the oven so that the house smells inviting. I can make sure the fire is on so the place is warm. I can light the candles and have the place cosy. I can smile a 'I'm so happy to see you' smile the moment any one of the family arrives and laugh and listen to them as they recount the adventures of the day or feed them their snacks and let them have their own time after the stress of their school day. After all, this is what I wanted: a family - my family.
I'm not responsible for their individual happiness. It's certainly not my fault that they may or may not enjoy their chores at home. If they had a fight with one of their friends or got a bad grade on a test it isn't my responsibility. I'm also not the reason they lose their temper or get out of control. But I am responsible for the level of involvement I have in their lives. I can give them a safe place to come home to. I can see they are fed, warm, clean and loved. And, to toot my own horn, I'm kinda good at it. It's who I was born to be in the same way I believe I was born to be a writer.
That doesn't mean all women need to do what I do. That is an illogical conclusion. Some people just know what they are to do. I am to mother. I mothered my brothers and sisters when I lived at home. I mothered when I was the president of our youth group. I mothered when I was an employee at the group home. I mothered at the day mod and I somewhat mothered when I was a teacher's assistant. I've done other things with my time to make money but I have to say that aspects of motherhood have been in all of those. I am a mother. And there is alot of power in being a mother. It's just our current society doesn't agree. You may argue that but then we'd definately disagree. For one thing, what kind of society who values the power of the mother takes the mothers away from the children. It would appear we believe that the only way for children to be properly raised is for standardised systems to raise them. The governement is getting more and more involved with child care where we live and it is scaring me for sure. Unless society thinks mothering is such an important and powerful thing that only governed societal systems can manage it. Hmm.
But that isn't what this message is about. It's really just about me. LOL! And me realized today that I love what I do. I'm good at it. It isn't something just anyone can do. And it is a very powerful position to be in. I control the climate at which this family spends a significant portion of their time. I can create a safe, comfortable and affirming place for these people to spend their days or not.
Maybe you are a mom or dad. Maybe you know a mom or dad - lol! Take a look at those whom you know invest time and effort into such a position. Is there a difference with them or with those that live with them? Perhaps you can't put your finger on it. It could be simple a level of confidence radiating from them. It could be a contentment from the caregiver. Or it could be something you can't see at all.
Regardless I see that I have power. I have power in other areas aswell but that will be a subject for another blog. For now, have faith in what ever you do if it is what you were born to do. If you haven't realized yet what it is that you were born to be or do then be patient with yourself because you really will see it one of these days. Perhaps on a day when you are whiny. Perhaps in the shower.
Bye for now. Enjoy today. :)
Monday, November 1, 2010
Just a peek of a story I'm working on
He sat down in the easy boy chair and ran a weary hand through his hair, making it stand up all poky like the comb of a rooster. She could tell he was tired. His whole body spoke of overwork. He glanced out the window. "Rain again," she heard him mutter.
There were times living in a rain forest seemed unbearable. Compelled by an invisible force she moved over to where he was sitting, gently placed herself upon his lap, and tenderly kissed his cheek. He gathered her to himself and whispered in her ear, "Now this is what it is all about. This is why I go out there." She didn't respond other than to try to hold him even closer. "Life is tough sometimes," she thought to herself, feeling a tear in her heart as she wished somehow she could make it all better. "Tell me it's all going to be okay," he softly demanded to her.
"It's all going to be okay," she replied.
"Good," he said, "Sometimes I forget."
--an excerpt from "Daniel" by NABK
There were times living in a rain forest seemed unbearable. Compelled by an invisible force she moved over to where he was sitting, gently placed herself upon his lap, and tenderly kissed his cheek. He gathered her to himself and whispered in her ear, "Now this is what it is all about. This is why I go out there." She didn't respond other than to try to hold him even closer. "Life is tough sometimes," she thought to herself, feeling a tear in her heart as she wished somehow she could make it all better. "Tell me it's all going to be okay," he softly demanded to her.
"It's all going to be okay," she replied.
"Good," he said, "Sometimes I forget."
--an excerpt from "Daniel" by NABK
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I wanted to sing to you
Yesterday I saw my teenaged daughter perform with her school choir. I sat in a chair crammed into a gym with many other thus obliged parents, aunts, uncles, and some siblings. I was lucky enough to sit in the second row and I had a perfect view of the choir. I was sitting next to another mom who is also a friend of mine and whose daughter was singing aswell. She and I caught up on things as we haven't had time to chat for a while but as the Choir Director spoke, we dutifully stopped our chat and payed attention.
I love music. The fact that my kids love music too absolutely thrills me. When they actually invest time into learning to sing or play an instrument I feel amazingly proud. It was not a sacrifice for me to be sitting there listening and watching as my daughter added her voice to those around her. I was looking forward to it.
I was so enraptured with the singing and how beautiful my daughter looked standing there that I felt a tear roll down my face. My mom friend was tapping her feet to the beat and swaying back and forth but I stayed poker straight and just focused on those kids- mine in particular.
I'm sure I looked like a lovesick puppy. I tell you, I never would have understood the invisible cords that bind a mother to her children. It has nothing to do with the will. It is totally uncontrollable. They are attached to my soul as surely as they had been attached to the umbillecal cord when they were inside me and I know it will be that way for my entire life, regardless of what happens.
And so they sang. The song that spoke the most to me was 'True Colors'. It's that song made popular by Cyndi Lauper back when some of us were younger. The words are admirable. They speak of loving someone regardless of their faults. I don't know if that was the song that my daughter was speaking about after the concert, but it could have been.
As we were walking out to the car and she was critiquing her performance she added, "Mom, I wanted to sing to you but whenever I looked at you it made me laugh so I looked somewhere else." It was just a passing phrase. She kept talking about other things - mostly how she thought they really stunk on this song or that - but I tell you, I didn't hear much more of what she said cus my teenage baby had wanted to sing to me.
I've been an embarassment to her for a few years - since she hit puberty - as is customary. I try not to draw too much attention to myself when we are in public because I remember how embarassed I was by my own mother. (She always wanted to hold my hand and pat my rear end- lol) I try not to be cool because I know that almost always backfires. I just try to be me and to be her mother.
One thing that girl has always given me, and she doesn't even know it, is hope. Her enthusiasm for everything - she is even enthusiastic about being bored - makes me sometimes feel very inferior. But I highly value her personality. I think I've learned to put on the thick skin when she is unhappy because invariably, as with my teenage son, it is obviously my fault that she feels that way. And I'm hoping the lessons that I've learned with those two hold me through the remaining teenage years. But one thing, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to, is those moments like the that one when she told me that she wanted to sing to me.
It's illogical. But I felt as I imagined I would feel if the company at work gave me a big fat promotion. Or made me employee or manager of the year. I don't get many accolades for being a mom. Why should I. It isn't really my choice any more. It's who I am. I gave up any expectation for that a long time ago. But really, I've been getting them all along. It's the little things that speak volumes. It brings me to tears to think about it and I'm sure my daughter would roll her eyes should she read this. But I wanted you all to know, last night I got the "Mom, I wanted to sing to you" award. I sincerely hope you notice all the little signs of recognition your children or loved ones are giving you. Never doubt that you count. Never doubt you have influence. Never doubt you are loved. For you do and you are. :)
I love music. The fact that my kids love music too absolutely thrills me. When they actually invest time into learning to sing or play an instrument I feel amazingly proud. It was not a sacrifice for me to be sitting there listening and watching as my daughter added her voice to those around her. I was looking forward to it.
I was so enraptured with the singing and how beautiful my daughter looked standing there that I felt a tear roll down my face. My mom friend was tapping her feet to the beat and swaying back and forth but I stayed poker straight and just focused on those kids- mine in particular.
I'm sure I looked like a lovesick puppy. I tell you, I never would have understood the invisible cords that bind a mother to her children. It has nothing to do with the will. It is totally uncontrollable. They are attached to my soul as surely as they had been attached to the umbillecal cord when they were inside me and I know it will be that way for my entire life, regardless of what happens.
And so they sang. The song that spoke the most to me was 'True Colors'. It's that song made popular by Cyndi Lauper back when some of us were younger. The words are admirable. They speak of loving someone regardless of their faults. I don't know if that was the song that my daughter was speaking about after the concert, but it could have been.
As we were walking out to the car and she was critiquing her performance she added, "Mom, I wanted to sing to you but whenever I looked at you it made me laugh so I looked somewhere else." It was just a passing phrase. She kept talking about other things - mostly how she thought they really stunk on this song or that - but I tell you, I didn't hear much more of what she said cus my teenage baby had wanted to sing to me.
I've been an embarassment to her for a few years - since she hit puberty - as is customary. I try not to draw too much attention to myself when we are in public because I remember how embarassed I was by my own mother. (She always wanted to hold my hand and pat my rear end- lol) I try not to be cool because I know that almost always backfires. I just try to be me and to be her mother.
One thing that girl has always given me, and she doesn't even know it, is hope. Her enthusiasm for everything - she is even enthusiastic about being bored - makes me sometimes feel very inferior. But I highly value her personality. I think I've learned to put on the thick skin when she is unhappy because invariably, as with my teenage son, it is obviously my fault that she feels that way. And I'm hoping the lessons that I've learned with those two hold me through the remaining teenage years. But one thing, I'm not sure I'll ever get used to, is those moments like the that one when she told me that she wanted to sing to me.
It's illogical. But I felt as I imagined I would feel if the company at work gave me a big fat promotion. Or made me employee or manager of the year. I don't get many accolades for being a mom. Why should I. It isn't really my choice any more. It's who I am. I gave up any expectation for that a long time ago. But really, I've been getting them all along. It's the little things that speak volumes. It brings me to tears to think about it and I'm sure my daughter would roll her eyes should she read this. But I wanted you all to know, last night I got the "Mom, I wanted to sing to you" award. I sincerely hope you notice all the little signs of recognition your children or loved ones are giving you. Never doubt that you count. Never doubt you have influence. Never doubt you are loved. For you do and you are. :)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Emotional Tampon
Okay, so I've only recently heard the term emotional tampon. I'm not sure if it's been out there for a while but most likely it has and I've just not heard it or retained it. But what a curious term.
The way in which I heard it was as one person explaining themselves to another person, as in "I've been such an emotional tampon for her." I stored away the reference but found, as I was surfacing from a dream that I was back in high school, this term shouted itself to me and so, I have to write.
An emotional tampon, now what would that be? Well, the emotional part isn't too difficult to define. We all have emotions. The tampon bit, well, again, for half the genders we experience this all too frequently. It's purpose being to soak blood up and away from the body. It is of a temporary nature as it is pulled out and then discarded after use. So, I suppose an emotional tampon would refer to someone who feels they are being soaked with emotions, pulled out and discarded; it would mean that person feels disposable or that their only purpose is to allow the absorption of emotions into themselves and away from the one who is using them.
Ya, I can see that term as being applicable in some situations. A councellor would be an emotional tampon of sorts. However I also think that the term 'emotional tampon' is meant to be a negative. It doesn't sound like it is a compliment although life without tampons isn't as clean, I can tell you that, and I know I certainly appreciate them. I wouldn't imagine you'd hear people refer to themselves as an emotional tampon when they are feeling fufilled in this role though. There are much better terms for that. For me the term that would be used then is friend.
I cannot count the people in my history who have served a role of listener of emotional baggage for me or for whom I have served this role myself. Being that I just returned from a dream of my puberty, I remember when I was a teenager going for walks with different people as dusk turned to night. We lived in a small town that crossed a river. The lights in the old houses warmed the streets as we walked through them. There were rarely other people out walking. The whole atmosphere invited confidentiality. Depending on who was with me, I would be pouring out my heart about how I couldn't wait to get out of this town or listening to others about their hearts and their crushes and planning on how we could make things all work out. To some people I was the listener. To other people I was the one doing the talking. I don't remember feeling like an emotional tampon. I remember feeling respected. Wow,for someone to be able to confide in me the things they confided in me,they must really trust me. The topics may seem trivial now, but at the time, they were things that moved those people, things they felt they couldn't tell anyone else. Those times still linger in the back of my memory and I smile when I think of them. Oh how we knew that where we were going was better than where we were. LOL.
Ironically, one of my best emotional tampons moved across the country just like I did and is raising her family out here close to me. When we'd walk around town - she was my most faithful tampon - we'd plan how we were going to break free and go west. Those days we felt emotionally as well as physically trapped by the closeness that was small town living.
Of course the term emotional tampon also implies one sidedness. There is no way a tampon is able to excrete those emotions to the giver. I am sad to admit that I have indeed used others in that way from time to time. The friend I mentioned above is a case in point. However over the years there has been more balance. I wish somehow I'd been able to balance it even more but, well, she is an emotional tampon by trade now, so it kinda comes too easy for her to keep that role with me. I think we've done pretty good and I really try to be a listening ear.
I wouldn't want any of my friends to feel they are this kind of friend to me. Sometimes I can feel the balance of a friendship shift too much one way or the other. When it is obvious to me that we are at the brink of me using that other person without giving back, I do what ever I can to re-establish balance. I have found though, that there are times in life when that is just the way it is. Sometimes our need to be heard, to talk, to figure things out 'out loud' are so prominent that they almost speak of self-centredness. It's a danger yet it's also a condition that usually balances itself out given time.
Sometimes those friends don't wait around for this balance to even out. I've had that happen too. Too emotionally drained, they run away before you can give anything back. I bet it's those people that would consider themselves used as an emotional tampon. It would be good to have a chance to apologize to those people and tell them you understand. I tried that once too. I apologized to a friend that I had vented to one too many times and then she avoided me to the point of us totally losing touch. When I happened to encounter her on an outing, I approached her and apologized. Her response was, 'What? I don't know what you're talking about. You were always a great friend." Well, either the memory dims, she was being polite, or those are just things you don't apologize for - lol! Most likely the latter. Honesty with people can be a bit tricky.
Anyway, just a ramble about a term I found intriguing. If I've ever treated any of you like an emotional tampon then I apologize because it wasn't intentional. I obviously just needed a friend. If someone else has treated you thusly, then I'm pretty sure it is the same for them. If you can, wait it out until balance is re-established. If that time period is too long, then yes, move on down the road. Friends that don't give are most definately too draining to keep and it is most likely damaging to the psychy to see yourself as an emotional tampon.
The way in which I heard it was as one person explaining themselves to another person, as in "I've been such an emotional tampon for her." I stored away the reference but found, as I was surfacing from a dream that I was back in high school, this term shouted itself to me and so, I have to write.
An emotional tampon, now what would that be? Well, the emotional part isn't too difficult to define. We all have emotions. The tampon bit, well, again, for half the genders we experience this all too frequently. It's purpose being to soak blood up and away from the body. It is of a temporary nature as it is pulled out and then discarded after use. So, I suppose an emotional tampon would refer to someone who feels they are being soaked with emotions, pulled out and discarded; it would mean that person feels disposable or that their only purpose is to allow the absorption of emotions into themselves and away from the one who is using them.
Ya, I can see that term as being applicable in some situations. A councellor would be an emotional tampon of sorts. However I also think that the term 'emotional tampon' is meant to be a negative. It doesn't sound like it is a compliment although life without tampons isn't as clean, I can tell you that, and I know I certainly appreciate them. I wouldn't imagine you'd hear people refer to themselves as an emotional tampon when they are feeling fufilled in this role though. There are much better terms for that. For me the term that would be used then is friend.
I cannot count the people in my history who have served a role of listener of emotional baggage for me or for whom I have served this role myself. Being that I just returned from a dream of my puberty, I remember when I was a teenager going for walks with different people as dusk turned to night. We lived in a small town that crossed a river. The lights in the old houses warmed the streets as we walked through them. There were rarely other people out walking. The whole atmosphere invited confidentiality. Depending on who was with me, I would be pouring out my heart about how I couldn't wait to get out of this town or listening to others about their hearts and their crushes and planning on how we could make things all work out. To some people I was the listener. To other people I was the one doing the talking. I don't remember feeling like an emotional tampon. I remember feeling respected. Wow,for someone to be able to confide in me the things they confided in me,they must really trust me. The topics may seem trivial now, but at the time, they were things that moved those people, things they felt they couldn't tell anyone else. Those times still linger in the back of my memory and I smile when I think of them. Oh how we knew that where we were going was better than where we were. LOL.
Ironically, one of my best emotional tampons moved across the country just like I did and is raising her family out here close to me. When we'd walk around town - she was my most faithful tampon - we'd plan how we were going to break free and go west. Those days we felt emotionally as well as physically trapped by the closeness that was small town living.
Of course the term emotional tampon also implies one sidedness. There is no way a tampon is able to excrete those emotions to the giver. I am sad to admit that I have indeed used others in that way from time to time. The friend I mentioned above is a case in point. However over the years there has been more balance. I wish somehow I'd been able to balance it even more but, well, she is an emotional tampon by trade now, so it kinda comes too easy for her to keep that role with me. I think we've done pretty good and I really try to be a listening ear.
I wouldn't want any of my friends to feel they are this kind of friend to me. Sometimes I can feel the balance of a friendship shift too much one way or the other. When it is obvious to me that we are at the brink of me using that other person without giving back, I do what ever I can to re-establish balance. I have found though, that there are times in life when that is just the way it is. Sometimes our need to be heard, to talk, to figure things out 'out loud' are so prominent that they almost speak of self-centredness. It's a danger yet it's also a condition that usually balances itself out given time.
Sometimes those friends don't wait around for this balance to even out. I've had that happen too. Too emotionally drained, they run away before you can give anything back. I bet it's those people that would consider themselves used as an emotional tampon. It would be good to have a chance to apologize to those people and tell them you understand. I tried that once too. I apologized to a friend that I had vented to one too many times and then she avoided me to the point of us totally losing touch. When I happened to encounter her on an outing, I approached her and apologized. Her response was, 'What? I don't know what you're talking about. You were always a great friend." Well, either the memory dims, she was being polite, or those are just things you don't apologize for - lol! Most likely the latter. Honesty with people can be a bit tricky.
Anyway, just a ramble about a term I found intriguing. If I've ever treated any of you like an emotional tampon then I apologize because it wasn't intentional. I obviously just needed a friend. If someone else has treated you thusly, then I'm pretty sure it is the same for them. If you can, wait it out until balance is re-established. If that time period is too long, then yes, move on down the road. Friends that don't give are most definately too draining to keep and it is most likely damaging to the psychy to see yourself as an emotional tampon.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Lifeshifts
Everyone has something they put their heart and soul effort into. For some it is into the raising of children. For others it is the careful arrangement of the flowers in their garden. Even others it is in the muscles and leanness of their bodies. We do all have something we put our heart into. And when we stop putting that heart and soul into what we do, well, we flounder like a fish on the bottom of a fishing boat just before the fisherman strikes it on its head.
Unfortunately floundering around does us just about the same amount of good that it does that fish - just uses up our energy flipping us around in the same few feet of space. Fortunately for us, we aren't fish and aren't about to be fried for supper. We have choice.
When I have found myself in that situation, it seems to take me quite a while to realize I don't need to be kicking and screaming and wandering around. What I need to do is sit up, take stock, make some new plans and get on with things. Ironically I have found myself in this situation more times than I'd like to admit. And I've got myself into all sorts of unusual (for me) situations while flipping and flapping around. Some of them have been rather entertaining, but mostly it's been just a big waste of time creating further frustrations that spill over into even more fishlike behaviour.
Well this last time it has taken me being laid up in bed for four days with some not-too-nice version of the stomach flu to realize that I have been spinning in mental circles for much too long. I've been worrying about things with too much depth and taking those things that ARE in my control and doing nothing with them.
I won't be hard on myself though. I do know that this is the way life is and it just seems to take me longer than the average bear to realize when life has shifted. And, life has shifted.
I think about those women who experience the empty nest syndrome. I wonder if this is a similar feeling for them. The world is going one way and suddenly it has all changed. Our purpose is not as clearly defined and taking care of the house without the children in it is just not that fufilling anymore, if it ever was. I know my own mother went back to work more seriously when all but one of us were out of the house and my sister was a teenager locked in her own life. I remember it was a tumulous time for her during which she put on a bit more weight than she would have liked. She gave up things she had enjoyed doing in the past - no more crafts, no more writing, no more baking cool things. She started buying jewelry and fancier clothes - mind you, she was working at a jewelry store and did get great deals. But even so, this was a woman who had spent most of her life making her own clothing and wearing the same three pair of earings. Myself around my early to mid twenties thought she was a pretty cool mom. I didn't realize the tumulous struggle she was going through.
I wonder if you are in a life changing point in your life? Has something happened to shake things up abit? If they have, you are not alone. There are varying degrees of these lifeshifts, but they are there for all of us. Most of the time they sneak up on us like a fisherman's hook. Sometimes we see them coming and swim right on into the net like we don't know what we're doing. I hope it takes you less time than it takes me to notice what is going on and take control and change those things you can if you desire and let the other things which are out of your control slip on by. Find new things to put your heart and soul into and continue to live with a smile on.
Unfortunately floundering around does us just about the same amount of good that it does that fish - just uses up our energy flipping us around in the same few feet of space. Fortunately for us, we aren't fish and aren't about to be fried for supper. We have choice.
When I have found myself in that situation, it seems to take me quite a while to realize I don't need to be kicking and screaming and wandering around. What I need to do is sit up, take stock, make some new plans and get on with things. Ironically I have found myself in this situation more times than I'd like to admit. And I've got myself into all sorts of unusual (for me) situations while flipping and flapping around. Some of them have been rather entertaining, but mostly it's been just a big waste of time creating further frustrations that spill over into even more fishlike behaviour.
Well this last time it has taken me being laid up in bed for four days with some not-too-nice version of the stomach flu to realize that I have been spinning in mental circles for much too long. I've been worrying about things with too much depth and taking those things that ARE in my control and doing nothing with them.
I won't be hard on myself though. I do know that this is the way life is and it just seems to take me longer than the average bear to realize when life has shifted. And, life has shifted.
I think about those women who experience the empty nest syndrome. I wonder if this is a similar feeling for them. The world is going one way and suddenly it has all changed. Our purpose is not as clearly defined and taking care of the house without the children in it is just not that fufilling anymore, if it ever was. I know my own mother went back to work more seriously when all but one of us were out of the house and my sister was a teenager locked in her own life. I remember it was a tumulous time for her during which she put on a bit more weight than she would have liked. She gave up things she had enjoyed doing in the past - no more crafts, no more writing, no more baking cool things. She started buying jewelry and fancier clothes - mind you, she was working at a jewelry store and did get great deals. But even so, this was a woman who had spent most of her life making her own clothing and wearing the same three pair of earings. Myself around my early to mid twenties thought she was a pretty cool mom. I didn't realize the tumulous struggle she was going through.
I wonder if you are in a life changing point in your life? Has something happened to shake things up abit? If they have, you are not alone. There are varying degrees of these lifeshifts, but they are there for all of us. Most of the time they sneak up on us like a fisherman's hook. Sometimes we see them coming and swim right on into the net like we don't know what we're doing. I hope it takes you less time than it takes me to notice what is going on and take control and change those things you can if you desire and let the other things which are out of your control slip on by. Find new things to put your heart and soul into and continue to live with a smile on.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Environmental Friendships
There are friends in your life that you count on - if you're lucky that is. You may have one, you may have more. But if you are anything like me, most of your friendships are most likely environmental or circumstatial. That doesn't lessen their importance. Don't fall for that lie. They are still an incredible force and a necessary part of a well rounded life. Okay, so that is my opinion but that is my opinion because that is my experience.
I've moved around a bit in my life. As a child it wasn't my choice but I adapted relatively well to it. As an adult it, at first, seemed a compulsion, later a necessity and so I have had many environmental friendships. Those friendships have helped me through different times and struggles. They've helped me gage where I'm at in my life. They've pushed me forward. Sometimes they've infuriated me and sometimes they've encouraged me. Without them, though, life would be quite a bit duller, I'm afraid.
Sometimes I don't think people give enough thought or credit to these neighbours who bustle in and out of our lives, yelling 'hello' from their doorsteps or catching the dog when she runs out into the street, or letting your own child use their older child's hockey net to play. They are just people that happen to come in and out of our lives - not by choice but by environment, coincidence perhaps.
Over the years I have had so many people that I've called friends who were only friends because their house backed on the same alley that ours did, or they had children the same age as mine, or they walked by my house the same time each day or worked at the post office outlet I went to. Many different people that I count important to my life without being the kind of friends that stand by you no matter what.
If you have a couple really good friends that will go to bat for you and be there for you when you are in your darkest hour or behaving your darkest - heck, even if you just have one - then you are blessed. But even those friends on the outside - the ones that invite you to their place for a cup of coffee or a quick lunch - they are part of you too. I've written on this before but it is once again on my mind. I care for these people and they most likley have no idea that I do. But, I do. :)
I've moved around a bit in my life. As a child it wasn't my choice but I adapted relatively well to it. As an adult it, at first, seemed a compulsion, later a necessity and so I have had many environmental friendships. Those friendships have helped me through different times and struggles. They've helped me gage where I'm at in my life. They've pushed me forward. Sometimes they've infuriated me and sometimes they've encouraged me. Without them, though, life would be quite a bit duller, I'm afraid.
Sometimes I don't think people give enough thought or credit to these neighbours who bustle in and out of our lives, yelling 'hello' from their doorsteps or catching the dog when she runs out into the street, or letting your own child use their older child's hockey net to play. They are just people that happen to come in and out of our lives - not by choice but by environment, coincidence perhaps.
Over the years I have had so many people that I've called friends who were only friends because their house backed on the same alley that ours did, or they had children the same age as mine, or they walked by my house the same time each day or worked at the post office outlet I went to. Many different people that I count important to my life without being the kind of friends that stand by you no matter what.
If you have a couple really good friends that will go to bat for you and be there for you when you are in your darkest hour or behaving your darkest - heck, even if you just have one - then you are blessed. But even those friends on the outside - the ones that invite you to their place for a cup of coffee or a quick lunch - they are part of you too. I've written on this before but it is once again on my mind. I care for these people and they most likley have no idea that I do. But, I do. :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Making something my own.
Wow! I hadn't been on my blogspot for a while and so was trying to find it and, in so doing, came across a couple of other blogspots and webpages of similar name by women also attempting to create a place on the screen for themselves. I had no idea that I was not alone in this search for meaning - well, I knew that I wasn't alone but seeing the others, realized we had the same idea for the same title of our own little places here in webland.
The air is fresh today. It has turned warm as the day has gone on. My neighbour is busy changing her front flower garden to be her own. They moved in not too many months ago - it is a totally new house - and the garden was planted by the landscapers who were hired by the people that built the house. Simple bushes and green plants were used. Boring but neat and tidy. My neighbour has planted tulip bulbs I bet - hidden under the soil until the spring's warmth encourages the flowers out. Hopefully she covered them all in wire or the squirrels that are making quick work of the chestnuts falling off her front trees will dig them up and demolish them aswell.
Today I have been dreaming of my own land. I'm reading a ficticious novel that takes place back in the 1700s; the days of homesteading. We don't actually own the land here in Canada - we kinda lease it from the crown - but everyone calls and thinks of it as ownership anyway. Today I saw myself puttering around making my own piece of land mine. We are still renting and I am extremely appreciative to have such a wonderful place in which to live but there are times when I yearn for my own well affordable little, or not so little, place of my own. Somewhere that I can add to and make mine like my neighbour with her garden. Somewhere to pass on to the kids when that time comes on. Sigh. I haven't totally given up hope on that although the years are advancing and life seems to be about survival at the moment rather than prosperity. I don't think of it often but there still is this part of me that yearns of a place to make my own.
Send a thought or a prayer for me
into the air for me
that one day I may see fufilled
the dreams of my mind - NABK
The air is fresh today. It has turned warm as the day has gone on. My neighbour is busy changing her front flower garden to be her own. They moved in not too many months ago - it is a totally new house - and the garden was planted by the landscapers who were hired by the people that built the house. Simple bushes and green plants were used. Boring but neat and tidy. My neighbour has planted tulip bulbs I bet - hidden under the soil until the spring's warmth encourages the flowers out. Hopefully she covered them all in wire or the squirrels that are making quick work of the chestnuts falling off her front trees will dig them up and demolish them aswell.
Today I have been dreaming of my own land. I'm reading a ficticious novel that takes place back in the 1700s; the days of homesteading. We don't actually own the land here in Canada - we kinda lease it from the crown - but everyone calls and thinks of it as ownership anyway. Today I saw myself puttering around making my own piece of land mine. We are still renting and I am extremely appreciative to have such a wonderful place in which to live but there are times when I yearn for my own well affordable little, or not so little, place of my own. Somewhere that I can add to and make mine like my neighbour with her garden. Somewhere to pass on to the kids when that time comes on. Sigh. I haven't totally given up hope on that although the years are advancing and life seems to be about survival at the moment rather than prosperity. I don't think of it often but there still is this part of me that yearns of a place to make my own.
Send a thought or a prayer for me
into the air for me
that one day I may see fufilled
the dreams of my mind - NABK
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Five Minutes
It's amazing what a five minute time difference can do in life. I'm not talking about a philosophical, introspective, religious point of view regarding five simple minutes and how it can change your life for the better or be a difference between life and death. I'm talking about a five minute change in schedule, in routine.
For the past ten years our neighbourhood school has started its day at nine fifty-five in the morning. This year, in an attempt to meet the budget given the district by the government, the schools are beginning five minutes earlier. It's been over two weeks and I still can't get my child to school before that beginining bell. I tell myself to leave earlier but still the sense of urgency to get to school doesn't start until that internally programmed time based on the past ten years.
Oh, and yes, I still take my kids to school - not because I'm an overprotectice mother or because we are far from the school but because I have so many kids that they range in ages throughout the school system and beyond. So, after I've driven one to band at one school, and dropped one off at the bus stop that was on the way, I go home to make sure another one gets out the door to meet his friends to walk to school and then I piggyback my almost five year old to his morning kindergarten (it gives me some much needed exercise). It's quite a bit of a morning and I do find that I'm thriving with it - thoroughly enjoying the routine after the haphazardness of the summer break - but I just am having issues with this five minute time difference.
Sigh. Who would have known that five little minutes could be so difficult to rearrange in my mind? It's a little thing - or five little things - but some times it's the little things that are the hardest to overcome. What's that saying: "Don't sweat the small stuff?" Guess I better learn that, eh? I hope it's not something you have to learn aswell. Keep your chin up and enjoy the day!!! :)
For the past ten years our neighbourhood school has started its day at nine fifty-five in the morning. This year, in an attempt to meet the budget given the district by the government, the schools are beginning five minutes earlier. It's been over two weeks and I still can't get my child to school before that beginining bell. I tell myself to leave earlier but still the sense of urgency to get to school doesn't start until that internally programmed time based on the past ten years.
Oh, and yes, I still take my kids to school - not because I'm an overprotectice mother or because we are far from the school but because I have so many kids that they range in ages throughout the school system and beyond. So, after I've driven one to band at one school, and dropped one off at the bus stop that was on the way, I go home to make sure another one gets out the door to meet his friends to walk to school and then I piggyback my almost five year old to his morning kindergarten (it gives me some much needed exercise). It's quite a bit of a morning and I do find that I'm thriving with it - thoroughly enjoying the routine after the haphazardness of the summer break - but I just am having issues with this five minute time difference.
Sigh. Who would have known that five little minutes could be so difficult to rearrange in my mind? It's a little thing - or five little things - but some times it's the little things that are the hardest to overcome. What's that saying: "Don't sweat the small stuff?" Guess I better learn that, eh? I hope it's not something you have to learn aswell. Keep your chin up and enjoy the day!!! :)
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